Recent suicides

We’ve had so many public figures pass away tragically recently, but as neighbors and human beings why are we so selfish?

I’m here to tell you my perspective with my history. I’ve struggled with anxiety and depression since at least 3rd grade. Did I have many people to talk or listen to? NO. Thankfully I had wonderful therapists through middle school and high school, because my depression got really bad at times! I still didn’t have much support in terms of a listening ear. During this time mental illnesses were so taboo and so stigmatized. My parents did their best to help. College hit and I just felt like my anxiety and depression rose and rose and rose through classes and then nursing school… To a heightened state. Anxiety attacks, social anxiety, insomnia, leading to the peak of my eating disorder. ALL THROUGH THIS DID I HAVE A LISTENING EAR? Not really no. Therapists, parents doing their best, friends who didn’t really understand. Friends asking why I couldn’t fix it or getting it under control? All I could say is I was doing the best I could and cry. That’s what I had.

My strength came from inside myself and God. I wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for the holy Lord and my determination to succeed.

I want to say I’ve never had thoughts of self-harm or suicide, but that’s a lie… High school I thought of ways to hurt myself. This escalated and in college, nursing school, and since then I’ve had suicide thoughts sometimes. When I have those I know I’m in a bad place. I reconnect with my higher power, myself, and my now support system and I pull myself out.

It just breaks my heart that others haven’t been as lucky as me, or have had such inner turmoil that it has come to them ending their lives. Once someone decides to end their lives its very hard to stop them. I’d love to say its their choice, but mental illness really isn’t a choice. I just really hope that my story can help and if anyone needs to talk or an ear to listen they reach out to me. I UNDERSTAND!

I also understand why people act so strong, especially these public figures. The fear of being seen differently. I have never wanted to be seen as weak. I’m not weak… I am strong, very strong. I’ve overcome so much! So did they! They continue to overcome so much!!!! Xoxo.


WHY we NEED the Olympics

One word: HOPE



In a chaotic society these days, it is nice to see every 2 years athletes from all over the world come and compete. Watching these athletes gives HOPE to the next generation of athletes, but also helps the world realize we can come together when necessary.

I’m not saying it’s a distraction from the destruction still going on in the world, because at this point that’s not possible. However, as I sense the competitiveness I also notice the comradery among the athletes vying for the same titles.

I usually enjoy the summer Olympics more, but recently have been enjoying the snowboarding and figure skating portions of this Olympics. I start yelling at the TV when I’m on the edge of my seat hoping for a win.

I think right now we needed the Olympics still. This may change, but for now this is my consensus.


LOVE, Mariah

For your viewing pleasure:

Tessa Virtue and Scott Moir from Canada figure skating to Moulin Rouge-

Red Gerard earning the first gold medal for the US this Olympics- 17 years old!-


Suffering In Silence


Suffering in silence

What does this mean? This is how I’ve felt lately with my mental health issues…

These last few months my life hasn’t been easy… I wasn’t expecting to have another hard time so close since leaving eating disorder treatment last March.

I haven’t wanted to talk about this hard time because I’ve felt ashamed and embarrassed.

I really was doing ok until September 19, 2017 when I was in a rear-end wreck. Me, being the one that got rear-ended. This has effected my job, because as an ICU nurse I lift and turn patients, along with being on my feet for long periods of time. I really just haven’t completely healed…

Why has this upset me so much?  Because my eating disorder recovery has been going well and I felt like this setback really sucks and makes me feel like a failure.

Since going on FMLA at the beginning of December, I really haven’t opened up about this. Of course my family knows, but not many people at all. My anxiety and depression really kicked in ending up with me at a real low. Real real low.

Again, I feel like I’m having to really fight and fight to get my life where I want it.

Surely, you and I don’t have to run on empty!  Not with a God like this.  We can run on His power and by His grace.  We can run through the happiness, through the failure, and through the ten million dirty diapers ahead.

After multiple days of dissociating watching TV I started doing small things…

I had said why me? Why does this keep happening? But instead of focusing on this, I’ve kept moving forward.

I’ve been incorporating better coping skills and I’m not completely back to myself but still trying hard on my road to recovery.  My eating disorder has given me some hard thoughts lately, but overall my ED is doing well!

Coping skills & understanding what is within your control.

Here’s some things right now that are helping me:

-EMDR to get over past traumas.

– Joe Dispenza meditation and the power of changing my thinking!

-doggy love with my 2 puppy dogs.

-reading for pleasure. I hadn’t rememberes the last time I read for pleasure!

-nutritional food! Working on food to nourish my body!

-small exercise to start getting stronger and helping me heal.

I just have been so embarrassed to talk about this. It didn’t make anything better when my doctor hasn’t been very nice either. He was telling me how I shouldn’t be in this much pain and it’s probably anxiety and depression related. I understand how it could be, but I think I’d know if it is! Luckily, I went to a new physical therapist and she agreed why I’m in pain. My whole body is still out of whack!!!

Is there still a stigma having mental health disorders? I think so! I don’t want to suffer in silence anymore though!

Love, Mariah

Dear Kesha


I wish Kesha knew how much her song “Praying” is helping me. I can relate to it so much and just love her strength.

Reviewing Kesha's Praying. I am praying for a better future for us all

She has overcome so much in life, I feel like I have to.


It is like a horrible dream at times that seems to last forever!! She gets it!

Why have I felt abandoned and stranded? What is the lesson? I do need signs from God. Being alive at times does hurt to much. There is so much hurt in this world.

I have fallen to my knees, praying! Just praying that things will ease up and get easier.

These last few months have been hell. Her song really has just given me strength. I never believed a song could impact me so much, but hers does!

With love, Mariah


My Life With Anxiety

How do I begin?

The first time I noticed my anxiety was when I was around 8 years old. I kept getting sick and had horrible stomach aches. I missed school a lot and wanted to be around my parents.

My anxiety since then has manifested in many ways.

I was sent to therapy and put on anxiety medications at the age of 12. I haven’t been away from therapy or off medications since then. This makes me feel crazy.

Yes I literally need this elementary school list to help with my math anxiety lol

School was always hard for me. My test anxiety was petrifying but I didn’t know what was going on at the time and just felt dumb. I’d have to re-take tests, go in after school, and study tons more than the average student. There wasn’t much research at the time about learning disabilities, but I sure had one. This still scares me because I may eventually want to get a master’s degree. If I choose to I’ll need to find better learning techniques for myself.

depressed depression suicidal suicide eating disorder OCD anxiety self harm cutting stay strong anorexia abuse bulimia ednos ana ed mia positive bullying PTSD recovery bipolar disorder pro recovery 2014 surviving borderline disorder #ChronicDepression

During elementary, middle, and high school I was bullied. Going to school terrified me. Girls and boys both bullied me. This group of boys harassed me so much in high school, I had to change my phone number. What was worse was they knew where I lived. I didn’t feel safe in my own home. I didn’t even feel protected.

I have really bad anxiety going to doctors. Most are nice, but I feel misjudged sometimes because of my mental health issues. After I was in a car wreck and injured my back in September, the doctor told me that my anxiety can make my pain worse. In my head I’m thinking, “ok maybe it will, but I’m used to pushing myself and persevering so quit judging me lady.” I may have taken it personally, but since then I am scared to go back to that doctor.

The power of mental health medication and how it saves so many Americans from suicide,

My sleep has really suffered in the past years. My insomnia at times is debilitating. I can’t shut my brain off and my head feels like it’s spinning. Sometimes  I can finally sleep when my body is extremely exhausted.

Anxiety has effected my life in so many ways, I can’t even write about all of it. For a long-time I just wished my brain would work “normally.” I’m realizing I may have to work harder in life, but anxiety is just a part of who I am. I’m not a victim, I AM IN CONTROL. I’ve been working hard and trying to decrease my stress level. I have lived at such a high level of anxiety for too long. This journey won’t be perfect but I want to live a less anxiety filled life. Here are some things I’m trying to do to help:

  1. meditating
  2. praying
  3. journal
  4. bullet journal
  5. baths
  6. EMDR and therapy
  7. getting outside in the sunshine
  8. going places outside of the house
  9. making short and long-term goals
  10. goal: to incorporate yoga



Me Too Movement 

So many emotions run through my mind when I think of why I have kept quiet. 

The biggest being fear. 

Fear of not being heard. Not being believed. Not being loved. Not feeling like I deserved love. 

If you or someone you know makes up the #MeToo hug them. Tell them they are loved. Tell them they are heard. We can’t change the world until people start FULLY acknowledging how bad the rape culture is and owning up to it, but we can change the world of our loved ones. 

Small, simple gestures. 

This can happen to anyone you know. 

The Wreck of My Life?

Tuesday evening I was in a car wreck. I am ok… I am very blessed actually and here’s why…

I was driving and needed to stop because I was going to get cut off by a car going too fast. I got rear-ended by a car going at least 35 MPH. Me… at a dead stop… him at at least 35-40 MPH. I am so lucky that my injuries are not as major as they could have been.

His car went mostly under my CUV. It was an older car and nose-dived right at the end when he attempted to brake. I am so lucky. If it had actually hit the back straight on… my injuries would be extremely different.

This is only the beginning of my luck/blessings/grace given by the Lord above.

My insurance has put us through some loops, but overall has bent over backwards to help us. My husband has gone out of his way to make sure I’m taken care of. He’s answered all my calls at work, took me to the ER after the wreck, at home makes sure I have everything I need and am comfortable, and deals with insurance over and over again. My daddy took me to an accident and auto care treatment center yesterday. They said it would only take 45 mins… ya 2 hours later. My mom brought me an Icee from 7-11 which made me soo happy. And all the texts and love from others. I couldn’t feel more loved.

All I can do now is start recovering. PT 5x this week. Recovering with ice, heat, etc. Take the time I need so I don’t injure myself further. 

I didn’t expect this of course, but such is life. I feel like the good Lord was looking after me and I am so grateful this wasn’t worse.

What would you do if you weren’t afraid?

What would you do if you weren’t afraid?

I saw this picture (above) on facebook and I thought maybe this would get me out of the funk I’m in this week.

I say a funk because I feel like I’m re-playing things in my head. Even with journaling, using other coping mechanisms, I think it’s along with being sick and events that have happened this week that I’m feeling this way.

Anyways, back to the quote. What would I do if I wasn’t afraid?

  1. On my cruise in October I’d wear my Morticia Addams costume and not feel self-conscious about my stomach.
  2. I’d believe in myself and that I really am worth it… everyday… some days I do believe it.
  3. I would not worry about small things and focus on the bigger picture.
  4. I would not feel like I need to interfere and “save” people at times.
  5. I would not care about food, the size of my body, or what people think.
  6. I would not be ashamed of my past or present.
  7. I’d go out in public more.
  8. I wouldn’t feel ashamed for taking the time I need for myself during recovery.
  9. I would go on an awesome vacation and do everything I’ve ever wanted, just because I can.
  10. I really just wouldn’t care what people think of me.
  11. I’d have peace. Peace in my mind, my body, my soul.

Need to remember this every single day!


What are you afraid of?


From a Different Perspective

What is it like growing up around eating disorders?

Before really figuring out that I had ED and coming to terms with it, my relationship with eating disorders were very, very different.

I was a family member who watched from the sideline as ED destroyed many of my loved ones lives.  I remember wondering and trying to think of anything I could do to help them. I felt so much shame, guilt, anger, you name the feeling I had it… most of all was helplessness.

I struggled with thinking I had partly caused their eating disorders until about 6 months ago, and still some days have to remind myself that this is a disease… an illness… multiple things contribute…  and not something I did.

For years, I said I would be the one who wouldn’t get an eating disorder. I’d beat the odds in my family. So when I found out and came to terms with having ED, I was devastated. Now though, I am beating the odds, I am on the road to recovery and do my best to maintain it… of course I still struggle daily though.

My family life for me though is still a struggle. How do I balance my recovery and worrying about my loved ones but not letting it overtake me? When you love people so much, how do you keep yourself from intervening? I logically know there is nothing I can do, but I wish there was.

I wish I could take their pain away. Help them realize how unique they are, how beautiful they are, how talented and smart they are. How can I though?

Instead, I can support, but mostly from afar. Through it all I can give them love. That is what I can give them. Sometimes this doesn’t feel like enough for me, but it’s what I have. I can pray and hope that in the future things will be different for them, but realize it is out of my control. Constantly work on accepting that it’s out of my control even though I wish I could fix it.

This is so true. Anybody with kids or planning to have kids should do this<3 even if it's a younger sibling, cousin, or whatever :)   Quote on eating disorders: Losing weight is not your life's work, and counting calories is not the call of your soul you surely are destined for something much greater.




“Clean eating” with ED recovery

I read a Huffington Post article about this and I felt this seriously relates to me and my journey. So I decided I would write to you all about it!

“You deserve to be truly free from food rules, obsession, and body-hate.”  Here’s the deal though with eating disorders how can we feel this way?

There is supposed to be a time when eating disorder recovery is easier. When you actually feel like you’re becoming free from your illness. A time when you are not fixated on food and or your body. A time when recovery is more in the back of your mind.

I don’t know at what point this will happen, but I hope for the day!

Here’s where it creeps in and why I have been making sure to avoid as much as I can related to diets, clean eating, the latest eating fads. This doesn’t just relate to me though, many women, men, children, and other eating disorder sufferers deal with these temptations daily.

This is very hard to do......when that reason is the reason im a live ......its sad his his family and widow truly know what i feel and whats up with me more then all of you put togethers

If I read an article about “clean eating” and “whole foods,” I begin to obsess. Ok, Ok this is more what I used to do, but there is a fear that if I start reading things targeted to these topics over and over then the urge will creep back in and I will go back to that mindset, because then I…

…slowly start reading more articles online, seeing what I could be allergic to, and what is “best” for my body. I spend time finding recipes that are “healthy.” There’s a sense of joy that comes with a shopping cart full of “healthy” foods. Foods that I say I’ll eat. It really overtakes me and becomes my identity.

Why is there a problem with “clean eating” in eating disorder recovery?

Here is a facebook post that makes sense:

“Saying that you’ve recovered from an eating disorder and now you eat “clean” and stay away from processed foods-is like saying you are sober from alcoholism-yet maintain a “healthy” relationship to alcohol by sticking to wine and beer. While “clean eating” may be socially sanctioned-it’s incredibly dangerous for those in eating disorder recovery (and largely unhelpful to the population in general.)”

I hate looking at nutrition tables and seeing that they lied. Can of diet coke 1.5 or 2 calories. Stop being dicks.


So clean eating is dangerous for the general population and can lead to disordered eating, but is more dangerous to people with eating disorders.

Eating disorders really are like an abusive partner. There is co-dependency, self-destruction and isolation.


Eating disorders thrive on the rules, rigidity, and a sense of “good” vs. “bad” foods. See why it’s bad to try and “eat clean?” There is also the idea of “unclean foods…” these are the foods people like me feel like we need to avoid. This is so triggering, especially when you have a long-standing genetic pre-disposition for an eating disorder.

So people with eating disorders need to look at food as food. Nothing as clean or unclean. So see the problem? Why it is so dangerous? Eating disorders are secretive. It’s bad when they sneak back up and hit you on the backside.

 Mostly, I just want to stay on my path in recovery and help others along the way. This is a hot topic in the world today.





Diet vs. intuitive eating  weight loss motivation tracker


If you’re struggling with an eating disorder, call the National Eating Disorder Association hotline at 1-800-931-2237.