Why My Car Wreck Was A Blessing

A year ago on September 19, 2017 I was in a car wreck that seemed like the end of the world to me. I say that because I got rear-ended badly and the first thing I was freaking out about was my job as an ICU nurse… I mean of course I was concerned if I was injured, but automatically I thought “is my nursing career over…?”

Being 25 and in a car wreck like that terrified me because I was so scared I’d have to leave my job as an ICU nurse. My mind couldn’t really comprehend me going to any other types of nursing jobs at this time, because I’d been an ICU nurse since fresh out of nursing school.

After the wreck, I took a couple weeks off from work (Dr’s orders) and was diagnosed with some bulging discs and sciatica… and then went back to my job in the ICU. Going back I was in MISERABLE pain. My ability to turn patients in bed, give baths, etc was not the same. By the middle of my 12 hour shift my back would be screaming at me to relax and let it heal. I realized slowly that my time as an ICU nurse was coming to an end. However, I did not want to accept this.

Finally, in December, my boss and I decided it was time for me to leave the ICU. I did and went on a break for about 3 months to let my back heal. During this time I was very depressed and anxious, because I didn’t know what the future held, just that I’d lost a huge part of myself… Being an ICU nurse.

After a few months of healing and TRYING to work on my mental health, a good friend told me to work with her as a home health nurse.

I thought she was CRAZY. If you’d asked me when I graduated nursing school over four years ago if i’d ever consider home health nursing, I would have laughed in your face. Anyways, I prayed and talked to my husband about it and ultimately decided let’s give it a try!!!

In April I started my job as a home health nurse part-time because I didn’t want to go back full-time and end up quitting, or getting more injured.

This job is so different than the ICU and since April not only have I grown exponentially as a person, but as a nurse.

My mental health has improved, lots of self-care, prioritizing myself and my family, and making sure to appreciate the small things in life. I really enjoy my job, especially the patients I see and treat. Most are elderly, but not all and the stories I hear are amazing. When I was an ICU nurse I learned to not take life for granted, especially after hard situations and cases I saw, but my patients I see now are living proof that they live life to the fullest.

This car wreck has given me pain in my back since that varies day to day, and for months I held out hope of someday going back to a position in the ICU. All I know for sure is that I’m blessed where I’m at right now.

Xoxo,

Mariah

Special thanks to my family, Chris, and my friends for supporting me through this wreck and this last year. Manu ups and downs both with my physical and mental health. This year will be better!

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5 Reasons Being Sick As An Adult Sucks!!!

Ok so I’ve had sinus issues the last two weeks… Maybe even longer. Its freaking miserable. My nursing mind is saying rest, fluids, and take the meds necessary to feel better, just give yourself the break it’s needing. My normal mind is saying sorry but that can’t happen because you have so much adulting to do. So here’s the top 5 Reasons why I’VE decided being sick as an adult sucks.

1. You can start feeling better but be miserably tired for days following a sickness.

I know with all my responsibilities I want to get back functioning 100% asap. I’ve noticed as I’m slowly getting older…. I know 26 is not old but compared to even 16… That my recovery time is slower than my patience. I’m in my mind planning the next day… Next day hits and well dang I feel like deal… So I start planning the next day… And so on so forth.

2. I don’t have an appetite when I’m sick but know I have to eat.

This one IS hard. Technically you can be ok just with fluids for a couple days if you can’t keep food down. However if you’re like me and in eating disorder recovery then the need for food is even more important. Keeping on track with recovery and not letting the excuse of “being sick” let you slip back into eating disordered behaviors can be really hard! The last thing I want to do when I’m sick is think of my next snack or meal, but I choose to stay in recovery.

3. Trying to find the most awesomest TV show to binge-watch.

When I’m sick I try and find something to watch on TV. I’m like oh yes, let’s find the best show I’ve ever seen so far in my life and binge watch it. Of course this isn’t how it goes because my fairy tale of best show yet turns into episodes of random shows because I can’t decide and tend to fall asleep during the middle of them… Ya being an adult is awesome…

4. Figuring out when to call in sick to work.

Ok, honestly another hard one for me. As a nurse I don’t want to get anyone sick, but I rarely run fevers and still get the flu, strep, viruses, etc. So when is it time? I’ve been all over the place with this and it’s still challenging to me also because during my eating disorder i’d go through times of fixating on my body symptoms versus completely ignoring any symptoms to the point I ended up in the ER needing fluids to keep me hydrated with the flu or when I needed a strong narcotic to kick the excruciating kidney pain that finally hit me from a raging UTI.

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5. Wanting to cuddle and be loved on.

Sickness sucks! Might as well put a hazmat suit on to keep everyone else well! Quarantine yourself! You may be loved but very few if any will want to REALLY be near you. How isolating? My solution… Dog cuddles are the best cuddles.

Living with My Mind Racing

Hey hey hey. Hows your day? Did you do this? That? Have you planned for that? What about buying those things? Did you chart that on that patient?… This is my mind… Almost constantly. Is this yours?

Theres necessary thought and worry, and then there’s my mind. Processing over every little detail and dwelling. Then if I feel depressed and want to work on that I get anxious about being depressed or vice versa and the whole situation starts over.

When I was a kid this started and it hasnt slowed down. My doctor has me on a cocktail of meds to help with my anxiety, depression, etc. My mind just races… Constantly… Multiple thoughts.

As a kid it would race so much that I would pretend when I was going to sleep my thoughts were TV channels. Id watch a show or a commercial then click onto the next one and so on so forth. My little mind was trying to help me relax and find a way to sleep easier… Now as an adult watching TV will sometimes dull my thoughts for those 20-45 min shows, but then blah blah blah blah blah my mind’s back at it again.

This is honestly one of the worst parts of anxiety for me. Truly it is. Lying in bed, trying to sleep, just praying for a calm moment where I’ll drift into sleep. Then tossing and turning with insomnia.

Ive been trying to meditate which has helped some, but sitting in total silence is almost about as weird as my mind racing a mile a minute. Going from 100 mph to a full stop is just plain bizarre. It calms my mind temporarily tho, so I guess I’m doing something right. Gotta keep fighting the fight!

Insatiable

Hey yall!

I have been trying to find a new show to watch on Netflix. Honestly, hadn’t even watched the trailer but thought let’s give the show “Insatiable” a try…

I lasted twenty minute… I was watching a show that’s premise is a girl who loses tons of weight and then wants to get revenge on the people who were mean to her in the past… Wow… I mean really? Do you want to trigger people struggling in this day and age? Lets just put a pretty girl on screen, get her to lose weight and be “thin” and let her glamourize our struggles.

She’s referred to as “fatty patty” and wears a fat suit. Thanks Netflix for us people that aren’t a size 2, good job trying to make us feel worse about ourselves. What about the fact the way she lost weight was she was punched in the face and her jaw had to be wired shut… Come on!!!!!!

The writer has defended the show saying the show is about her eating disorder. She said that comedy is a means of dealing with our vulnerabilities. Well this isn’t funny to me.

This show really triggered me personally and I’ve been doing well in recovery. Please be wary and caution yourself watching this show.

Recent suicides

We’ve had so many public figures pass away tragically recently, but as neighbors and human beings why are we so selfish?

I’m here to tell you my perspective with my history. I’ve struggled with anxiety and depression since at least 3rd grade. Did I have many people to talk or listen to? NO. Thankfully I had wonderful therapists through middle school and high school, because my depression got really bad at times! I still didn’t have much support in terms of a listening ear. During this time mental illnesses were so taboo and so stigmatized. My parents did their best to help. College hit and I just felt like my anxiety and depression rose and rose and rose through classes and then nursing school… To a heightened state. Anxiety attacks, social anxiety, insomnia, leading to the peak of my eating disorder. ALL THROUGH THIS DID I HAVE A LISTENING EAR? Not really no. Therapists, parents doing their best, friends who didn’t really understand. Friends asking why I couldn’t fix it or getting it under control? All I could say is I was doing the best I could and cry. That’s what I had.

My strength came from inside myself and God. I wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for the holy Lord and my determination to succeed.

I want to say I’ve never had thoughts of self-harm or suicide, but that’s a lie… High school I thought of ways to hurt myself. This escalated and in college, nursing school, and since then I’ve had suicide thoughts sometimes. When I have those I know I’m in a bad place. I reconnect with my higher power, myself, and my now support system and I pull myself out.

It just breaks my heart that others haven’t been as lucky as me, or have had such inner turmoil that it has come to them ending their lives. Once someone decides to end their lives its very hard to stop them. I’d love to say its their choice, but mental illness really isn’t a choice. I just really hope that my story can help and if anyone needs to talk or an ear to listen they reach out to me. I UNDERSTAND!

I also understand why people act so strong, especially these public figures. The fear of being seen differently. I have never wanted to be seen as weak. I’m not weak… I am strong, very strong. I’ve overcome so much! So did they! They continue to overcome so much!!!! Xoxo.

WHY we NEED the Olympics

One word: HOPE

 

 

In a chaotic society these days, it is nice to see every 2 years athletes from all over the world come and compete. Watching these athletes gives HOPE to the next generation of athletes, but also helps the world realize we can come together when necessary.

I’m not saying it’s a distraction from the destruction still going on in the world, because at this point that’s not possible. However, as I sense the competitiveness I also notice the comradery among the athletes vying for the same titles.

I usually enjoy the summer Olympics more, but recently have been enjoying the snowboarding and figure skating portions of this Olympics. I start yelling at the TV when I’m on the edge of my seat hoping for a win.

I think right now we needed the Olympics still. This may change, but for now this is my consensus.

 

LOVE, Mariah

For your viewing pleasure:

Tessa Virtue and Scott Moir from Canada figure skating to Moulin Rouge- https://youtu.be/Y5p1uzs4jt0

Red Gerard earning the first gold medal for the US this Olympics- 17 years old!- https://youtu.be/m0nJr_cpYWU

 

Dear Kesha

 

I wish Kesha knew how much her song “Praying” is helping me. I can relate to it so much and just love her strength.

Reviewing Kesha's Praying. I am praying for a better future for us all

She has overcome so much in life, I feel like I have to.

#metoo

It is like a horrible dream at times that seems to last forever!! She gets it!

Why have I felt abandoned and stranded? What is the lesson? I do need signs from God. Being alive at times does hurt to much. There is so much hurt in this world.

I have fallen to my knees, praying! Just praying that things will ease up and get easier.

These last few months have been hell. Her song really has just given me strength. I never believed a song could impact me so much, but hers does!

With love, Mariah

 

My Life With Anxiety

How do I begin?

The first time I noticed my anxiety was when I was around 8 years old. I kept getting sick and had horrible stomach aches. I missed school a lot and wanted to be around my parents.

My anxiety since then has manifested in many ways.

I was sent to therapy and put on anxiety medications at the age of 12. I haven’t been away from therapy or off medications since then. This makes me feel crazy.

Yes I literally need this elementary school list to help with my math anxiety lol

School was always hard for me. My test anxiety was petrifying but I didn’t know what was going on at the time and just felt dumb. I’d have to re-take tests, go in after school, and study tons more than the average student. There wasn’t much research at the time about learning disabilities, but I sure had one. This still scares me because I may eventually want to get a master’s degree. If I choose to I’ll need to find better learning techniques for myself.

depressed depression suicidal suicide eating disorder OCD anxiety self harm cutting stay strong anorexia abuse bulimia ednos ana ed mia positive bullying PTSD recovery bipolar disorder pro recovery 2014 surviving borderline disorder #ChronicDepression

During elementary, middle, and high school I was bullied. Going to school terrified me. Girls and boys both bullied me. This group of boys harassed me so much in high school, I had to change my phone number. What was worse was they knew where I lived. I didn’t feel safe in my own home. I didn’t even feel protected.

I have really bad anxiety going to doctors. Most are nice, but I feel misjudged sometimes because of my mental health issues. After I was in a car wreck and injured my back in September, the doctor told me that my anxiety can make my pain worse. In my head I’m thinking, “ok maybe it will, but I’m used to pushing myself and persevering so quit judging me lady.” I may have taken it personally, but since then I am scared to go back to that doctor.

The power of mental health medication and how it saves so many Americans from suicide,

My sleep has really suffered in the past years. My insomnia at times is debilitating. I can’t shut my brain off and my head feels like it’s spinning. Sometimes  I can finally sleep when my body is extremely exhausted.

Anxiety has effected my life in so many ways, I can’t even write about all of it. For a long-time I just wished my brain would work “normally.” I’m realizing I may have to work harder in life, but anxiety is just a part of who I am. I’m not a victim, I AM IN CONTROL. I’ve been working hard and trying to decrease my stress level. I have lived at such a high level of anxiety for too long. This journey won’t be perfect but I want to live a less anxiety filled life. Here are some things I’m trying to do to help:

  1. meditating
  2. praying
  3. journal
  4. bullet journal
  5. baths
  6. EMDR and therapy
  7. getting outside in the sunshine
  8. going places outside of the house
  9. making short and long-term goals
  10. goal: to incorporate yoga