Insatiable

Hey yall!

I have been trying to find a new show to watch on Netflix. Honestly, hadn’t even watched the trailer but thought let’s give the show “Insatiable” a try…

I lasted twenty minute… I was watching a show that’s premise is a girl who loses tons of weight and then wants to get revenge on the people who were mean to her in the past… Wow… I mean really? Do you want to trigger people struggling in this day and age? Lets just put a pretty girl on screen, get her to lose weight and be “thin” and let her glamourize our struggles.

She’s referred to as “fatty patty” and wears a fat suit. Thanks Netflix for us people that aren’t a size 2, good job trying to make us feel worse about ourselves. What about the fact the way she lost weight was she was punched in the face and her jaw had to be wired shut… Come on!!!!!!

The writer has defended the show saying the show is about her eating disorder. She said that comedy is a means of dealing with our vulnerabilities. Well this isn’t funny to me.

This show really triggered me personally and I’ve been doing well in recovery. Please be wary and caution yourself watching this show.

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Recent suicides

We’ve had so many public figures pass away tragically recently, but as neighbors and human beings why are we so selfish?

I’m here to tell you my perspective with my history. I’ve struggled with anxiety and depression since at least 3rd grade. Did I have many people to talk or listen to? NO. Thankfully I had wonderful therapists through middle school and high school, because my depression got really bad at times! I still didn’t have much support in terms of a listening ear. During this time mental illnesses were so taboo and so stigmatized. My parents did their best to help. College hit and I just felt like my anxiety and depression rose and rose and rose through classes and then nursing school… To a heightened state. Anxiety attacks, social anxiety, insomnia, leading to the peak of my eating disorder. ALL THROUGH THIS DID I HAVE A LISTENING EAR? Not really no. Therapists, parents doing their best, friends who didn’t really understand. Friends asking why I couldn’t fix it or getting it under control? All I could say is I was doing the best I could and cry. That’s what I had.

My strength came from inside myself and God. I wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for the holy Lord and my determination to succeed.

I want to say I’ve never had thoughts of self-harm or suicide, but that’s a lie… High school I thought of ways to hurt myself. This escalated and in college, nursing school, and since then I’ve had suicide thoughts sometimes. When I have those I know I’m in a bad place. I reconnect with my higher power, myself, and my now support system and I pull myself out.

It just breaks my heart that others haven’t been as lucky as me, or have had such inner turmoil that it has come to them ending their lives. Once someone decides to end their lives its very hard to stop them. I’d love to say its their choice, but mental illness really isn’t a choice. I just really hope that my story can help and if anyone needs to talk or an ear to listen they reach out to me. I UNDERSTAND!

I also understand why people act so strong, especially these public figures. The fear of being seen differently. I have never wanted to be seen as weak. I’m not weak… I am strong, very strong. I’ve overcome so much! So did they! They continue to overcome so much!!!! Xoxo.

WHY we NEED the Olympics

One word: HOPE

 

 

In a chaotic society these days, it is nice to see every 2 years athletes from all over the world come and compete. Watching these athletes gives HOPE to the next generation of athletes, but also helps the world realize we can come together when necessary.

I’m not saying it’s a distraction from the destruction still going on in the world, because at this point that’s not possible. However, as I sense the competitiveness I also notice the comradery among the athletes vying for the same titles.

I usually enjoy the summer Olympics more, but recently have been enjoying the snowboarding and figure skating portions of this Olympics. I start yelling at the TV when I’m on the edge of my seat hoping for a win.

I think right now we needed the Olympics still. This may change, but for now this is my consensus.

 

LOVE, Mariah

For your viewing pleasure:

Tessa Virtue and Scott Moir from Canada figure skating to Moulin Rouge- https://youtu.be/Y5p1uzs4jt0

Red Gerard earning the first gold medal for the US this Olympics- 17 years old!- https://youtu.be/m0nJr_cpYWU

 

Dear Kesha

 

I wish Kesha knew how much her song “Praying” is helping me. I can relate to it so much and just love her strength.

Reviewing Kesha's Praying. I am praying for a better future for us all

She has overcome so much in life, I feel like I have to.

#metoo

It is like a horrible dream at times that seems to last forever!! She gets it!

Why have I felt abandoned and stranded? What is the lesson? I do need signs from God. Being alive at times does hurt to much. There is so much hurt in this world.

I have fallen to my knees, praying! Just praying that things will ease up and get easier.

These last few months have been hell. Her song really has just given me strength. I never believed a song could impact me so much, but hers does!

With love, Mariah

 

My Life With Anxiety

How do I begin?

The first time I noticed my anxiety was when I was around 8 years old. I kept getting sick and had horrible stomach aches. I missed school a lot and wanted to be around my parents.

My anxiety since then has manifested in many ways.

I was sent to therapy and put on anxiety medications at the age of 12. I haven’t been away from therapy or off medications since then. This makes me feel crazy.

Yes I literally need this elementary school list to help with my math anxiety lol

School was always hard for me. My test anxiety was petrifying but I didn’t know what was going on at the time and just felt dumb. I’d have to re-take tests, go in after school, and study tons more than the average student. There wasn’t much research at the time about learning disabilities, but I sure had one. This still scares me because I may eventually want to get a master’s degree. If I choose to I’ll need to find better learning techniques for myself.

depressed depression suicidal suicide eating disorder OCD anxiety self harm cutting stay strong anorexia abuse bulimia ednos ana ed mia positive bullying PTSD recovery bipolar disorder pro recovery 2014 surviving borderline disorder #ChronicDepression

During elementary, middle, and high school I was bullied. Going to school terrified me. Girls and boys both bullied me. This group of boys harassed me so much in high school, I had to change my phone number. What was worse was they knew where I lived. I didn’t feel safe in my own home. I didn’t even feel protected.

I have really bad anxiety going to doctors. Most are nice, but I feel misjudged sometimes because of my mental health issues. After I was in a car wreck and injured my back in September, the doctor told me that my anxiety can make my pain worse. In my head I’m thinking, “ok maybe it will, but I’m used to pushing myself and persevering so quit judging me lady.” I may have taken it personally, but since then I am scared to go back to that doctor.

The power of mental health medication and how it saves so many Americans from suicide,

My sleep has really suffered in the past years. My insomnia at times is debilitating. I can’t shut my brain off and my head feels like it’s spinning. Sometimes  I can finally sleep when my body is extremely exhausted.

Anxiety has effected my life in so many ways, I can’t even write about all of it. For a long-time I just wished my brain would work “normally.” I’m realizing I may have to work harder in life, but anxiety is just a part of who I am. I’m not a victim, I AM IN CONTROL. I’ve been working hard and trying to decrease my stress level. I have lived at such a high level of anxiety for too long. This journey won’t be perfect but I want to live a less anxiety filled life. Here are some things I’m trying to do to help:

  1. meditating
  2. praying
  3. journal
  4. bullet journal
  5. baths
  6. EMDR and therapy
  7. getting outside in the sunshine
  8. going places outside of the house
  9. making short and long-term goals
  10. goal: to incorporate yoga

 

 

Opportunity 

Eating disorder recovery is tough, but so am I. Grateful for life and the opportunity I’ve been given with the company SeneGence and LipSense! 

Its opened up a world of opportunities! My confidence rises slowly everyday!!! 

I didn’t think something could help me at this point. I am working from the inside out, but I am grateful for this opportunity I’ve been given. I thought I was ugly but this has made me realize there’s a lot of different things that contribute to beauty. 

Not just appearance. Actions. Words. Love. Hope. Attitude. Positivity. I am slowly starting to feel like my old self. Somedays better than others.

If I’d been scared and turned down this offer to sell LipSense (totally was skeptical)  I’d be even worse off than I am right now. 

It doesn’t mean I’m not struggling… Because I am, but my recovery trajectory is going up and up.