Seasonal Affective Disorder And Me

As the weather turns colder and it starts getting darker outside faster, some of us start suffering from seasonal affective disorder.

This disorder is depression, lack of energy, extra moodiness during the changing of the seasons. Mostly prevalent during late fall until spring when it becomes sunny again.

This past week I think I’m starting to show signs of it, like I do yearly. Luckily I know signs to look for and now you do to!

1. Feeling depressed nearly everyday

2. Losing interest in activities you love

3. Insomnia

4. Lack of energy

5. Changes in your appetite and weight

6. Feeling down or hopeless

7. Suicidal ideations

Like I’ve mentioned in previous posts, I am not a therapist or doctor so please if youre suffering seek advice from a trained medical professional. I am just one of many who deal with this. I’m glad this year I started to notice early me losing energy, being more down, and just lack of any motivation. Here’s what I’m going to be working on improving in my life. Want to join me?

1. Light exercise 3x week

2. Eating more fruits and vegetables

3. Getting back into journaling like I used to.

What helps you during this season? Drop me some ideas!!




7 Ways To Recover From Sexual Violence

With the Kavanaugh case all over the media, this can be really triggering! I understand! I’m a survivor of sexual assault. Let’s become 100x stronger from what’s happened to us! Here are some things that have (are) helping me daily!!!

Please remember I’m not a licensed therapist or doctor, so if you feel you should seek immediate medical treatment, please do so.

Everyone’s story is different BUT extremely important! Let’s all stick together! ❤❤❤

1. Receive Medical Attention

Some injuries post assault may not be noticeable, so it’s very important to get checked out fully by a medical professional.

2. Make A Safety Plan

Think ahead of the places you go to and ways to get out as fast as possible. This idea is also good for any emergency situation.

3. Therapy

Talking to someone really does help. Working with a therapist can help you with the challenges of life. There are all different types of therapy out there, so try what’s best for you.

4. Self Defense Class

YOU ARE NOT A VICTIM! Get some ass-kicking classes under your belt and REGAIN YOUR CONFIDENCE!!!! I’ve had friends try kickboxing, jiu jitsu, taekwondo, but find a fit and get some aggression out!

5. Self-help

I harp on this a lot in my blog, but I feel its pertinent. Finding ways to love yourself no matter what’s going on is really crucial… Really hard… But crucial. Examples such as keeping a journal, taking a bath, relax and watch a movie, just take extra time and nurture yourself.

6. Surround Yourself With Loved Ones

This one really gets to me because I wish I’d had more support. Please find a community whether it’s family, friends, or a group to help get you through this time.

7. Pray Or Meditate

Whatever your religious practice is, if you believe in the power of prayer then pray! Get grounded in your beliefs and hold tight to your higher power to help you through. Meditate to help with anxiety and stress.

Remember you are not alone. It may feel like a very lonely time, but you will overcome and come out as a WARRIOR!!!! I wish this never happened to me or anyone else for that matter and I’d never wish it on my worst enemy. Let’s all take these tragedies that have occurred to us and become 100x stronger.

I Believe In You,


Why My Car Wreck Was A Blessing

A year ago on September 19, 2017 I was in a car wreck that seemed like the end of the world to me. I say that because I got rear-ended badly and the first thing I was freaking out about was my job as an ICU nurse… I mean of course I was concerned if I was injured, but automatically I thought “is my nursing career over…?”

Being 25 and in a car wreck like that terrified me because I was so scared I’d have to leave my job as an ICU nurse. My mind couldn’t really comprehend me going to any other types of nursing jobs at this time, because I’d been an ICU nurse since fresh out of nursing school.

After the wreck, I took a couple weeks off from work (Dr’s orders) and was diagnosed with some bulging discs and sciatica… and then went back to my job in the ICU. Going back I was in MISERABLE pain. My ability to turn patients in bed, give baths, etc was not the same. By the middle of my 12 hour shift my back would be screaming at me to relax and let it heal. I realized slowly that my time as an ICU nurse was coming to an end. However, I did not want to accept this.

Finally, in December, my boss and I decided it was time for me to leave the ICU. I did and went on a break for about 3 months to let my back heal. During this time I was very depressed and anxious, because I didn’t know what the future held, just that I’d lost a huge part of myself… Being an ICU nurse.

After a few months of healing and TRYING to work on my mental health, a good friend told me to work with her as a home health nurse.

I thought she was CRAZY. If you’d asked me when I graduated nursing school over four years ago if i’d ever consider home health nursing, I would have laughed in your face. Anyways, I prayed and talked to my husband about it and ultimately decided let’s give it a try!!!

In April I started my job as a home health nurse part-time because I didn’t want to go back full-time and end up quitting, or getting more injured.

This job is so different than the ICU and since April not only have I grown exponentially as a person, but as a nurse.

My mental health has improved, lots of self-care, prioritizing myself and my family, and making sure to appreciate the small things in life. I really enjoy my job, especially the patients I see and treat. Most are elderly, but not all and the stories I hear are amazing. When I was an ICU nurse I learned to not take life for granted, especially after hard situations and cases I saw, but my patients I see now are living proof that they live life to the fullest.

This car wreck has given me pain in my back since that varies day to day, and for months I held out hope of someday going back to a position in the ICU. All I know for sure is that I’m blessed where I’m at right now.



Special thanks to my family, Chris, and my friends for supporting me through this wreck and this last year. Manu ups and downs both with my physical and mental health. This year will be better!

5 Reasons Being Sick As An Adult Sucks!!!

Ok so I’ve had sinus issues the last two weeks… Maybe even longer. Its freaking miserable. My nursing mind is saying rest, fluids, and take the meds necessary to feel better, just give yourself the break it’s needing. My normal mind is saying sorry but that can’t happen because you have so much adulting to do. So here’s the top 5 Reasons why I’VE decided being sick as an adult sucks.

1. You can start feeling better but be miserably tired for days following a sickness.

I know with all my responsibilities I want to get back functioning 100% asap. I’ve noticed as I’m slowly getting older…. I know 26 is not old but compared to even 16… That my recovery time is slower than my patience. I’m in my mind planning the next day… Next day hits and well dang I feel like deal… So I start planning the next day… And so on so forth.

2. I don’t have an appetite when I’m sick but know I have to eat.

This one IS hard. Technically you can be ok just with fluids for a couple days if you can’t keep food down. However if you’re like me and in eating disorder recovery then the need for food is even more important. Keeping on track with recovery and not letting the excuse of “being sick” let you slip back into eating disordered behaviors can be really hard! The last thing I want to do when I’m sick is think of my next snack or meal, but I choose to stay in recovery.

3. Trying to find the most awesomest TV show to binge-watch.

When I’m sick I try and find something to watch on TV. I’m like oh yes, let’s find the best show I’ve ever seen so far in my life and binge watch it. Of course this isn’t how it goes because my fairy tale of best show yet turns into episodes of random shows because I can’t decide and tend to fall asleep during the middle of them… Ya being an adult is awesome…

4. Figuring out when to call in sick to work.

Ok, honestly another hard one for me. As a nurse I don’t want to get anyone sick, but I rarely run fevers and still get the flu, strep, viruses, etc. So when is it time? I’ve been all over the place with this and it’s still challenging to me also because during my eating disorder i’d go through times of fixating on my body symptoms versus completely ignoring any symptoms to the point I ended up in the ER needing fluids to keep me hydrated with the flu or when I needed a strong narcotic to kick the excruciating kidney pain that finally hit me from a raging UTI.


5. Wanting to cuddle and be loved on.

Sickness sucks! Might as well put a hazmat suit on to keep everyone else well! Quarantine yourself! You may be loved but very few if any will want to REALLY be near you. How isolating? My solution… Dog cuddles are the best cuddles.

Accepting the Unaccepted

As Kevin Breel said,
“…unfortunately, we live in a world where if you break your arm, everyone runs over to sign your cast, but if you tell people you’re depressed, everyone runs the other way. That’s the stigma. We are so, so, so accepting of any body part breaking down, other than our brains. And that’s ignorance. That’s pure ignorance. And that ignorance has created a world that doesn’t understand depression, that doesn’t understand mental health.” (original author)

I can tell you this is 100% true. I came back from eating disorder treatment to my job as an ICU nurse. I’m an upfront, honest person and if people asked me where I went I told them the truth. There were also people who asked me if I was pregnant or if I’d gone and had a baby… Those were fun questions to answer. I’d then get asked what kind of eating disorder I had and that was that. Before I left for treatment, I came to work happy, everyone was chatty and nice, but once I returned post-treatment my job became cold and very lonely. I didn’t mean to isolate, but how do you feel comfortable when people seem like they are looking at you unsure of what to say. I’m a human being to ya know? I’m just like anybody else. I just wanted to feel accepted. I’d just gone through the hardest thing thus far in my life.

Hadnt I already suffered enough? It really wasn’t like I broke an arm or any physical ailment really, I’d just lost a whole picture I’d had of my life, body, identity… Crushed… All because my brain was messed up and my eating disorder was controlling me… No big deal or anything. I cant hide from my PTSD, depression, anxiety, or my eating disorder. Thats why I chose to embrace it and in turn was the outcast… Again.

Maybe I should have just stayed quiet? Said I took a hiatus, sabbatical, something. To be stigmatized for something like this hurts. Then to try and be open about it just to help gain awareness is so unbelievable that people are so rude and closed-minded.

I cant help that I need multiple medicines right now to balance my anxiety and depression. Do you think I choose this? Trust me I dont. I try alternative methods such as meditation and CBD, but you try being in my head for one day. Its a daily battle.

I cant sit here and judge anyone around me, because I know how hard life can be. We ALL have our struggles. I just wish mental illnesses were more closely monitored and taken seriously. Mental illnesses can be just as if not worse that some physical problems.

Living with My Mind Racing

Hey hey hey. Hows your day? Did you do this? That? Have you planned for that? What about buying those things? Did you chart that on that patient?… This is my mind… Almost constantly. Is this yours?

Theres necessary thought and worry, and then there’s my mind. Processing over every little detail and dwelling. Then if I feel depressed and want to work on that I get anxious about being depressed or vice versa and the whole situation starts over.

When I was a kid this started and it hasnt slowed down. My doctor has me on a cocktail of meds to help with my anxiety, depression, etc. My mind just races… Constantly… Multiple thoughts.

As a kid it would race so much that I would pretend when I was going to sleep my thoughts were TV channels. Id watch a show or a commercial then click onto the next one and so on so forth. My little mind was trying to help me relax and find a way to sleep easier… Now as an adult watching TV will sometimes dull my thoughts for those 20-45 min shows, but then blah blah blah blah blah my mind’s back at it again.

This is honestly one of the worst parts of anxiety for me. Truly it is. Lying in bed, trying to sleep, just praying for a calm moment where I’ll drift into sleep. Then tossing and turning with insomnia.

Ive been trying to meditate which has helped some, but sitting in total silence is almost about as weird as my mind racing a mile a minute. Going from 100 mph to a full stop is just plain bizarre. It calms my mind temporarily tho, so I guess I’m doing something right. Gotta keep fighting the fight!

WHY we NEED the Olympics

One word: HOPE



In a chaotic society these days, it is nice to see every 2 years athletes from all over the world come and compete. Watching these athletes gives HOPE to the next generation of athletes, but also helps the world realize we can come together when necessary.

I’m not saying it’s a distraction from the destruction still going on in the world, because at this point that’s not possible. However, as I sense the competitiveness I also notice the comradery among the athletes vying for the same titles.

I usually enjoy the summer Olympics more, but recently have been enjoying the snowboarding and figure skating portions of this Olympics. I start yelling at the TV when I’m on the edge of my seat hoping for a win.

I think right now we needed the Olympics still. This may change, but for now this is my consensus.


LOVE, Mariah

For your viewing pleasure:

Tessa Virtue and Scott Moir from Canada figure skating to Moulin Rouge-

Red Gerard earning the first gold medal for the US this Olympics- 17 years old!-


Suffering In Silence


Suffering in silence

What does this mean? This is how I’ve felt lately with my mental health issues…

These last few months my life hasn’t been easy… I wasn’t expecting to have another hard time so close since leaving eating disorder treatment last March.

I haven’t wanted to talk about this hard time because I’ve felt ashamed and embarrassed.

I really was doing ok until September 19, 2017 when I was in a rear-end wreck. Me, being the one that got rear-ended. This has effected my job, because as an ICU nurse I lift and turn patients, along with being on my feet for long periods of time. I really just haven’t completely healed…

Why has this upset me so much?  Because my eating disorder recovery has been going well and I felt like this setback really sucks and makes me feel like a failure.

Since going on FMLA at the beginning of December, I really haven’t opened up about this. Of course my family knows, but not many people at all. My anxiety and depression really kicked in ending up with me at a real low. Real real low.

Again, I feel like I’m having to really fight and fight to get my life where I want it.

Surely, you and I don’t have to run on empty!  Not with a God like this.  We can run on His power and by His grace.  We can run through the happiness, through the failure, and through the ten million dirty diapers ahead.

After multiple days of dissociating watching TV I started doing small things…

I had said why me? Why does this keep happening? But instead of focusing on this, I’ve kept moving forward.

I’ve been incorporating better coping skills and I’m not completely back to myself but still trying hard on my road to recovery.  My eating disorder has given me some hard thoughts lately, but overall my ED is doing well!

Coping skills & understanding what is within your control.

Here’s some things right now that are helping me:

-EMDR to get over past traumas.

– Joe Dispenza meditation and the power of changing my thinking!

-doggy love with my 2 puppy dogs.

-reading for pleasure. I hadn’t rememberes the last time I read for pleasure!

-nutritional food! Working on food to nourish my body!

-small exercise to start getting stronger and helping me heal.

I just have been so embarrassed to talk about this. It didn’t make anything better when my doctor hasn’t been very nice either. He was telling me how I shouldn’t be in this much pain and it’s probably anxiety and depression related. I understand how it could be, but I think I’d know if it is! Luckily, I went to a new physical therapist and she agreed why I’m in pain. My whole body is still out of whack!!!

Is there still a stigma having mental health disorders? I think so! I don’t want to suffer in silence anymore though!

Love, Mariah

Dear Kesha


I wish Kesha knew how much her song “Praying” is helping me. I can relate to it so much and just love her strength.

Reviewing Kesha's Praying. I am praying for a better future for us all

She has overcome so much in life, I feel like I have to.


It is like a horrible dream at times that seems to last forever!! She gets it!

Why have I felt abandoned and stranded? What is the lesson? I do need signs from God. Being alive at times does hurt to much. There is so much hurt in this world.

I have fallen to my knees, praying! Just praying that things will ease up and get easier.

These last few months have been hell. Her song really has just given me strength. I never believed a song could impact me so much, but hers does!

With love, Mariah


Me Too Movement 

So many emotions run through my mind when I think of why I have kept quiet. 

The biggest being fear. 

Fear of not being heard. Not being believed. Not being loved. Not feeling like I deserved love. 

If you or someone you know makes up the #MeToo hug them. Tell them they are loved. Tell them they are heard. We can’t change the world until people start FULLY acknowledging how bad the rape culture is and owning up to it, but we can change the world of our loved ones. 

Small, simple gestures. 

This can happen to anyone you know.