Accepting the Unaccepted

As Kevin Breel said,
“…unfortunately, we live in a world where if you break your arm, everyone runs over to sign your cast, but if you tell people you’re depressed, everyone runs the other way. That’s the stigma. We are so, so, so accepting of any body part breaking down, other than our brains. And that’s ignorance. That’s pure ignorance. And that ignorance has created a world that doesn’t understand depression, that doesn’t understand mental health.” (original author)

I can tell you this is 100% true. I came back from eating disorder treatment to my job as an ICU nurse. I’m an upfront, honest person and if people asked me where I went I told them the truth. There were also people who asked me if I was pregnant or if I’d gone and had a baby… Those were fun questions to answer. I’d then get asked what kind of eating disorder I had and that was that. Before I left for treatment, I came to work happy, everyone was chatty and nice, but once I returned post-treatment my job became cold and very lonely. I didn’t mean to isolate, but how do you feel comfortable when people seem like they are looking at you unsure of what to say. I’m a human being to ya know? I’m just like anybody else. I just wanted to feel accepted. I’d just gone through the hardest thing thus far in my life.

Hadnt I already suffered enough? It really wasn’t like I broke an arm or any physical ailment really, I’d just lost a whole picture I’d had of my life, body, identity… Crushed… All because my brain was messed up and my eating disorder was controlling me… No big deal or anything. I cant hide from my PTSD, depression, anxiety, or my eating disorder. Thats why I chose to embrace it and in turn was the outcast… Again.

Maybe I should have just stayed quiet? Said I took a hiatus, sabbatical, something. To be stigmatized for something like this hurts. Then to try and be open about it just to help gain awareness is so unbelievable that people are so rude and closed-minded.

I cant help that I need multiple medicines right now to balance my anxiety and depression. Do you think I choose this? Trust me I dont. I try alternative methods such as meditation and CBD, but you try being in my head for one day. Its a daily battle.

I cant sit here and judge anyone around me, because I know how hard life can be. We ALL have our struggles. I just wish mental illnesses were more closely monitored and taken seriously. Mental illnesses can be just as if not worse that some physical problems.


Living with My Mind Racing

Hey hey hey. Hows your day? Did you do this? That? Have you planned for that? What about buying those things? Did you chart that on that patient?… This is my mind… Almost constantly. Is this yours?

Theres necessary thought and worry, and then there’s my mind. Processing over every little detail and dwelling. Then if I feel depressed and want to work on that I get anxious about being depressed or vice versa and the whole situation starts over.

When I was a kid this started and it hasnt slowed down. My doctor has me on a cocktail of meds to help with my anxiety, depression, etc. My mind just races… Constantly… Multiple thoughts.

As a kid it would race so much that I would pretend when I was going to sleep my thoughts were TV channels. Id watch a show or a commercial then click onto the next one and so on so forth. My little mind was trying to help me relax and find a way to sleep easier… Now as an adult watching TV will sometimes dull my thoughts for those 20-45 min shows, but then blah blah blah blah blah my mind’s back at it again.

This is honestly one of the worst parts of anxiety for me. Truly it is. Lying in bed, trying to sleep, just praying for a calm moment where I’ll drift into sleep. Then tossing and turning with insomnia.

Ive been trying to meditate which has helped some, but sitting in total silence is almost about as weird as my mind racing a mile a minute. Going from 100 mph to a full stop is just plain bizarre. It calms my mind temporarily tho, so I guess I’m doing something right. Gotta keep fighting the fight!

Dear Kesha


I wish Kesha knew how much her song “Praying” is helping me. I can relate to it so much and just love her strength.

Reviewing Kesha's Praying. I am praying for a better future for us all

She has overcome so much in life, I feel like I have to.


It is like a horrible dream at times that seems to last forever!! She gets it!

Why have I felt abandoned and stranded? What is the lesson? I do need signs from God. Being alive at times does hurt to much. There is so much hurt in this world.

I have fallen to my knees, praying! Just praying that things will ease up and get easier.

These last few months have been hell. Her song really has just given me strength. I never believed a song could impact me so much, but hers does!

With love, Mariah


What would you do if you weren’t afraid?

What would you do if you weren’t afraid?

I saw this picture (above) on facebook and I thought maybe this would get me out of the funk I’m in this week.

I say a funk because I feel like I’m re-playing things in my head. Even with journaling, using other coping mechanisms, I think it’s along with being sick and events that have happened this week that I’m feeling this way.

Anyways, back to the quote. What would I do if I wasn’t afraid?

  1. On my cruise in October I’d wear my Morticia Addams costume and not feel self-conscious about my stomach.
  2. I’d believe in myself and that I really am worth it… everyday… some days I do believe it.
  3. I would not worry about small things and focus on the bigger picture.
  4. I would not feel like I need to interfere and “save” people at times.
  5. I would not care about food, the size of my body, or what people think.
  6. I would not be ashamed of my past or present.
  7. I’d go out in public more.
  8. I wouldn’t feel ashamed for taking the time I need for myself during recovery.
  9. I would go on an awesome vacation and do everything I’ve ever wanted, just because I can.
  10. I really just wouldn’t care what people think of me.
  11. I’d have peace. Peace in my mind, my body, my soul.

Need to remember this every single day!


What are you afraid of?


From a Different Perspective

What is it like growing up around eating disorders?

Before really figuring out that I had ED and coming to terms with it, my relationship with eating disorders were very, very different.

I was a family member who watched from the sideline as ED destroyed many of my loved ones lives.  I remember wondering and trying to think of anything I could do to help them. I felt so much shame, guilt, anger, you name the feeling I had it… most of all was helplessness.

I struggled with thinking I had partly caused their eating disorders until about 6 months ago, and still some days have to remind myself that this is a disease… an illness… multiple things contribute…  and not something I did.

For years, I said I would be the one who wouldn’t get an eating disorder. I’d beat the odds in my family. So when I found out and came to terms with having ED, I was devastated. Now though, I am beating the odds, I am on the road to recovery and do my best to maintain it… of course I still struggle daily though.

My family life for me though is still a struggle. How do I balance my recovery and worrying about my loved ones but not letting it overtake me? When you love people so much, how do you keep yourself from intervening? I logically know there is nothing I can do, but I wish there was.

I wish I could take their pain away. Help them realize how unique they are, how beautiful they are, how talented and smart they are. How can I though?

Instead, I can support, but mostly from afar. Through it all I can give them love. That is what I can give them. Sometimes this doesn’t feel like enough for me, but it’s what I have. I can pray and hope that in the future things will be different for them, but realize it is out of my control. Constantly work on accepting that it’s out of my control even though I wish I could fix it.

This is so true. Anybody with kids or planning to have kids should do this<3 even if it's a younger sibling, cousin, or whatever :)   Quote on eating disorders: Losing weight is not your life's work, and counting calories is not the call of your soul you surely are destined for something much greater.




“Clean eating” with ED recovery

I read a Huffington Post article about this and I felt this seriously relates to me and my journey. So I decided I would write to you all about it!

“You deserve to be truly free from food rules, obsession, and body-hate.”  Here’s the deal though with eating disorders how can we feel this way?

There is supposed to be a time when eating disorder recovery is easier. When you actually feel like you’re becoming free from your illness. A time when you are not fixated on food and or your body. A time when recovery is more in the back of your mind.

I don’t know at what point this will happen, but I hope for the day!

Here’s where it creeps in and why I have been making sure to avoid as much as I can related to diets, clean eating, the latest eating fads. This doesn’t just relate to me though, many women, men, children, and other eating disorder sufferers deal with these temptations daily.

This is very hard to do......when that reason is the reason im a live ......its sad his his family and widow truly know what i feel and whats up with me more then all of you put togethers

If I read an article about “clean eating” and “whole foods,” I begin to obsess. Ok, Ok this is more what I used to do, but there is a fear that if I start reading things targeted to these topics over and over then the urge will creep back in and I will go back to that mindset, because then I…

…slowly start reading more articles online, seeing what I could be allergic to, and what is “best” for my body. I spend time finding recipes that are “healthy.” There’s a sense of joy that comes with a shopping cart full of “healthy” foods. Foods that I say I’ll eat. It really overtakes me and becomes my identity.

Why is there a problem with “clean eating” in eating disorder recovery?

Here is a facebook post that makes sense:

“Saying that you’ve recovered from an eating disorder and now you eat “clean” and stay away from processed foods-is like saying you are sober from alcoholism-yet maintain a “healthy” relationship to alcohol by sticking to wine and beer. While “clean eating” may be socially sanctioned-it’s incredibly dangerous for those in eating disorder recovery (and largely unhelpful to the population in general.)”

I hate looking at nutrition tables and seeing that they lied. Can of diet coke 1.5 or 2 calories. Stop being dicks.


So clean eating is dangerous for the general population and can lead to disordered eating, but is more dangerous to people with eating disorders.

Eating disorders really are like an abusive partner. There is co-dependency, self-destruction and isolation.


Eating disorders thrive on the rules, rigidity, and a sense of “good” vs. “bad” foods. See why it’s bad to try and “eat clean?” There is also the idea of “unclean foods…” these are the foods people like me feel like we need to avoid. This is so triggering, especially when you have a long-standing genetic pre-disposition for an eating disorder.

So people with eating disorders need to look at food as food. Nothing as clean or unclean. So see the problem? Why it is so dangerous? Eating disorders are secretive. It’s bad when they sneak back up and hit you on the backside.

 Mostly, I just want to stay on my path in recovery and help others along the way. This is a hot topic in the world today.





Diet vs. intuitive eating  weight loss motivation tracker


If you’re struggling with an eating disorder, call the National Eating Disorder Association hotline at 1-800-931-2237.

“Why Me?”


Lately my mind has been wasting energy and wanting me to dwell on why me? Why I’m one whose suffered so much since I was about 12 years old.

It’s literally been such a rollercoaster since then that I can’t even explain! So why me? Why have I been chosen to endure all these ups and downs?

I then turned my focus from why me to what else could happen? What else could happen in life? Nothing. I realize my life is no different than others and I am no worse or better than anyone! We all have ups and downs in life constantly it’s just how we handle them and come back from them.

This was how I’d lived my life for a really long time, I always worked on being non-judgmental of others, because I never know what was going on in their lives, but I guess I needed a reminder of this.

So instead of why have I suffered so much, why not think about why I am so blessed and lucky.

I’m very lucky that my life has completely changed and we caught my eating disorder at a younger age. Change is hard but dying slowly is worse. Lucky that I have a wonderful family to support me. Lucky I have two dog babies who bring me so much joy…

And recently soo lucky that I have found LipSense which has helped me realize I am beautiful and I have more confidence than I remember.

I have many things going for me, so I will try and focus on those things.

What would you change? 

I watched this video and it really hit me. This culture, generation really is so absorbed in perfection. What about the things that makes us unique? 

I want a mermaid tail! Just like the little girl in the video! I want to be a kid again! Why are kids having to grow up so fast? 

What has made us seriously get to this point? 

Starting a day

Lately I haven’t wanted to get out of bed. I know logically I need to to take care of my doggies, eat, take care of myself. This is what is propelling me to do so.

If it were just me I’m scared tho I’d give into the dark, warm, confines of my bed.

Somedays are harder than others… Duh… I know this. Working to give myself grace has been hard. I really like the feeling of wanting to stay in bed all day… It’s cozy and familiar.

Back in college I moved home. My schooling was so tough with nursing and then on top of it I was suffering from health issues. My way to cope was to go and hide in my room. I’d get my dog and we’d go lay in bed. I’d either watch netflix, study in bed, or nap.

In the last few years since school I’ve really worked on just keeping my bed for sleeping. Working on using the living room… For the living.

I thought about why I’d be going back to this… Maybe its more depressio… That always could be it’s a rollercoaster ride… Or maybe it’s just trying to seek things that feel comfortable and hold onto them in a chaotic world.

All I know is I’ll still get up… Maybe just a hour or two later than normal… Still take care of my doggies… Still take care of me… Ive2 learned I have to.