Dear Kesha


I wish Kesha knew how much her song “Praying” is helping me. I can relate to it so much and just love her strength.

Reviewing Kesha's Praying. I am praying for a better future for us all

She has overcome so much in life, I feel like I have to.


It is like a horrible dream at times that seems to last forever!! She gets it!

Why have I felt abandoned and stranded? What is the lesson? I do need signs from God. Being alive at times does hurt to much. There is so much hurt in this world.

I have fallen to my knees, praying! Just praying that things will ease up and get easier.

These last few months have been hell. Her song really has just given me strength. I never believed a song could impact me so much, but hers does!

With love, Mariah



What would you do if you weren’t afraid?

What would you do if you weren’t afraid?

I saw this picture (above) on facebook and I thought maybe this would get me out of the funk I’m in this week.

I say a funk because I feel like I’m re-playing things in my head. Even with journaling, using other coping mechanisms, I think it’s along with being sick and events that have happened this week that I’m feeling this way.

Anyways, back to the quote. What would I do if I wasn’t afraid?

  1. On my cruise in October I’d wear my Morticia Addams costume and not feel self-conscious about my stomach.
  2. I’d believe in myself and that I really am worth it… everyday… some days I do believe it.
  3. I would not worry about small things and focus on the bigger picture.
  4. I would not feel like I need to interfere and “save” people at times.
  5. I would not care about food, the size of my body, or what people think.
  6. I would not be ashamed of my past or present.
  7. I’d go out in public more.
  8. I wouldn’t feel ashamed for taking the time I need for myself during recovery.
  9. I would go on an awesome vacation and do everything I’ve ever wanted, just because I can.
  10. I really just wouldn’t care what people think of me.
  11. I’d have peace. Peace in my mind, my body, my soul.

Need to remember this every single day!


What are you afraid of?


From a Different Perspective

What is it like growing up around eating disorders?

Before really figuring out that I had ED and coming to terms with it, my relationship with eating disorders were very, very different.

I was a family member who watched from the sideline as ED destroyed many of my loved ones lives.  I remember wondering and trying to think of anything I could do to help them. I felt so much shame, guilt, anger, you name the feeling I had it… most of all was helplessness.

I struggled with thinking I had partly caused their eating disorders until about 6 months ago, and still some days have to remind myself that this is a disease… an illness… multiple things contribute…  and not something I did.

For years, I said I would be the one who wouldn’t get an eating disorder. I’d beat the odds in my family. So when I found out and came to terms with having ED, I was devastated. Now though, I am beating the odds, I am on the road to recovery and do my best to maintain it… of course I still struggle daily though.

My family life for me though is still a struggle. How do I balance my recovery and worrying about my loved ones but not letting it overtake me? When you love people so much, how do you keep yourself from intervening? I logically know there is nothing I can do, but I wish there was.

I wish I could take their pain away. Help them realize how unique they are, how beautiful they are, how talented and smart they are. How can I though?

Instead, I can support, but mostly from afar. Through it all I can give them love. That is what I can give them. Sometimes this doesn’t feel like enough for me, but it’s what I have. I can pray and hope that in the future things will be different for them, but realize it is out of my control. Constantly work on accepting that it’s out of my control even though I wish I could fix it.

This is so true. Anybody with kids or planning to have kids should do this<3 even if it's a younger sibling, cousin, or whatever :)   Quote on eating disorders: Losing weight is not your life's work, and counting calories is not the call of your soul you surely are destined for something much greater.




“Clean eating” with ED recovery

I read a Huffington Post article about this and I felt this seriously relates to me and my journey. So I decided I would write to you all about it!

“You deserve to be truly free from food rules, obsession, and body-hate.”  Here’s the deal though with eating disorders how can we feel this way?

There is supposed to be a time when eating disorder recovery is easier. When you actually feel like you’re becoming free from your illness. A time when you are not fixated on food and or your body. A time when recovery is more in the back of your mind.

I don’t know at what point this will happen, but I hope for the day!

Here’s where it creeps in and why I have been making sure to avoid as much as I can related to diets, clean eating, the latest eating fads. This doesn’t just relate to me though, many women, men, children, and other eating disorder sufferers deal with these temptations daily.

This is very hard to do......when that reason is the reason im a live ......its sad his his family and widow truly know what i feel and whats up with me more then all of you put togethers

If I read an article about “clean eating” and “whole foods,” I begin to obsess. Ok, Ok this is more what I used to do, but there is a fear that if I start reading things targeted to these topics over and over then the urge will creep back in and I will go back to that mindset, because then I…

…slowly start reading more articles online, seeing what I could be allergic to, and what is “best” for my body. I spend time finding recipes that are “healthy.” There’s a sense of joy that comes with a shopping cart full of “healthy” foods. Foods that I say I’ll eat. It really overtakes me and becomes my identity.

Why is there a problem with “clean eating” in eating disorder recovery?

Here is a facebook post that makes sense:

“Saying that you’ve recovered from an eating disorder and now you eat “clean” and stay away from processed foods-is like saying you are sober from alcoholism-yet maintain a “healthy” relationship to alcohol by sticking to wine and beer. While “clean eating” may be socially sanctioned-it’s incredibly dangerous for those in eating disorder recovery (and largely unhelpful to the population in general.)”

I hate looking at nutrition tables and seeing that they lied. Can of diet coke 1.5 or 2 calories. Stop being dicks.


So clean eating is dangerous for the general population and can lead to disordered eating, but is more dangerous to people with eating disorders.

Eating disorders really are like an abusive partner. There is co-dependency, self-destruction and isolation.


Eating disorders thrive on the rules, rigidity, and a sense of “good” vs. “bad” foods. See why it’s bad to try and “eat clean?” There is also the idea of “unclean foods…” these are the foods people like me feel like we need to avoid. This is so triggering, especially when you have a long-standing genetic pre-disposition for an eating disorder.

So people with eating disorders need to look at food as food. Nothing as clean or unclean. So see the problem? Why it is so dangerous? Eating disorders are secretive. It’s bad when they sneak back up and hit you on the backside.

 Mostly, I just want to stay on my path in recovery and help others along the way. This is a hot topic in the world today.





Diet vs. intuitive eating  weight loss motivation tracker


If you’re struggling with an eating disorder, call the National Eating Disorder Association hotline at 1-800-931-2237.

“Why Me?”


Lately my mind has been wasting energy and wanting me to dwell on why me? Why I’m one whose suffered so much since I was about 12 years old.

It’s literally been such a rollercoaster since then that I can’t even explain! So why me? Why have I been chosen to endure all these ups and downs?

I then turned my focus from why me to what else could happen? What else could happen in life? Nothing. I realize my life is no different than others and I am no worse or better than anyone! We all have ups and downs in life constantly it’s just how we handle them and come back from them.

This was how I’d lived my life for a really long time, I always worked on being non-judgmental of others, because I never know what was going on in their lives, but I guess I needed a reminder of this.

So instead of why have I suffered so much, why not think about why I am so blessed and lucky.

I’m very lucky that my life has completely changed and we caught my eating disorder at a younger age. Change is hard but dying slowly is worse. Lucky that I have a wonderful family to support me. Lucky I have two dog babies who bring me so much joy…

And recently soo lucky that I have found LipSense which has helped me realize I am beautiful and I have more confidence than I remember.

I have many things going for me, so I will try and focus on those things.

What would you change? 

I watched this video and it really hit me. This culture, generation really is so absorbed in perfection. What about the things that makes us unique? 

I want a mermaid tail! Just like the little girl in the video! I want to be a kid again! Why are kids having to grow up so fast? 

What has made us seriously get to this point? 

Starting a day

Lately I haven’t wanted to get out of bed. I know logically I need to to take care of my doggies, eat, take care of myself. This is what is propelling me to do so.

If it were just me I’m scared tho I’d give into the dark, warm, confines of my bed.

Somedays are harder than others… Duh… I know this. Working to give myself grace has been hard. I really like the feeling of wanting to stay in bed all day… It’s cozy and familiar.

Back in college I moved home. My schooling was so tough with nursing and then on top of it I was suffering from health issues. My way to cope was to go and hide in my room. I’d get my dog and we’d go lay in bed. I’d either watch netflix, study in bed, or nap.

In the last few years since school I’ve really worked on just keeping my bed for sleeping. Working on using the living room… For the living.

I thought about why I’d be going back to this… Maybe its more depressio… That always could be it’s a rollercoaster ride… Or maybe it’s just trying to seek things that feel comfortable and hold onto them in a chaotic world.

All I know is I’ll still get up… Maybe just a hour or two later than normal… Still take care of my doggies… Still take care of me… Ive2 learned I have to.

M I A- The Invisibly Visible

First off, I want to apologize to my readers for being MIA for a while.

My ED crept up and hit me like a freight train. I was in denial and telling myself I am 100% OK. My doctor wanted me to try treatment 3 days a week half-days, but after a week trying that, I could not take it and it was stressing me out more. I am doing my own thing outpatient along with my doctor and dietician. I am determined and doing the best I can.

How can I keep fighting this and being strong?

I have been very stressed lately because of work, ED, life in general. Since treatment I’ve had such a hard time re-adjusting to real life. I knew this would be a process but WTF! It’s so hard for me just to do “normal things.” I have no energy. Many can’t tell (except my husband) because my disorder is invisibly visible… It’s only visible when it starts chiseling my life away. I’ve been losing my hair, my heart has been racing, walking once up stairs exhausts me. It’s just such an awful process. I am realizing though that this is a path of recovery and sometimes will be rocky.

My husband and I are considering buying a beautiful house that we are in love with. I know that I am determined to eat my meal plan, follow my treatment, and reach out for help. If I don’t I’ll only slip backwards even more into the abyss of ED. I am worried about money (just like every first-time homebuyer). All I can do is keep working my program and trying even with the little energy I have.

Sometimes I just wish people REALLY understood!!! The STRUGGLE IS REAL!!!!

My Life Now 1.0


I’ve decided it’s time… time for me to start talking about my life last year versus now. This is going to be a series since CLEARLY my life has COMPLETELY changed!

My entire life can be summed up in one sentence: Well, that didn't go as planned. Darynda Jones Quotes, pinterest, nederland, suusjesworld, life quotes

A year ago approximately is when I realized I had an eating disorder and sought treatment. Where do I even begin this series?

Last year this time I was completely down in the dumps. I had reached my all time low. My husband is in the Air Force and in July left for a TDY for 3 weeks I think? During that time was my lowest point… period.

MY BRAIN WAS NOT WORKING. I was in such a brain-fog I could not process general information. I realize now how malnourished I was. All I wanted to do was stay in my dark bedroom, secluded, and sleep all day. I barely crept out of bed to make it to work.

Remember when we were younger, when we thought a flip of a light switch could chase away the monsters that linger under our beds? Maybe, if someone came into our lives, be the light in our darkness, they can chase away the monsters in our heads.

Some days I would call my dad or mom bawling asking if I should even go to work, because I didn’t think I could… or should. As a nurse I really wanted to make sure my patients had the best care… at that time, I tried so hard to do my best, but knew it was not my best.

One night my mom and brother even came over and brought me a Sonic drink because I was having suicide thoughts… I told you MY LOWEST POINT! ROCK BOTTOM!

40 years later, I figured out how to say "No."  No more fundraisers, events, weddings, galas, fashion shows, golf events, etc!  My life is now full of grandchildren, children, church, bible study groups, trips, and teaching piano.  Love this decade of my life!

Let’s fast forward to now. Today I am doing ok. I am not great, but ok. I know I still have work to do, but I have come a long ways.

I still have days I want to stay in bed all day, but I push myself out of bed and remind myself of all I have to live for! I eat way better than I did last year! Yes, I still have foods that are hard for me because of my eating disorder. However, I AM ABLE TO PUSH MYSELF TO EAT THEM! I know food doesn’t define me.

I have been more of a recluse though, so I am working on hanging out with people more… especially my family who has been there for me all year.

Image result for gif living life

One day at a time!

Peace and love,