Accepting the Unaccepted

As Kevin Breel said,
“…unfortunately, we live in a world where if you break your arm, everyone runs over to sign your cast, but if you tell people you’re depressed, everyone runs the other way. That’s the stigma. We are so, so, so accepting of any body part breaking down, other than our brains. And that’s ignorance. That’s pure ignorance. And that ignorance has created a world that doesn’t understand depression, that doesn’t understand mental health.” (original author)

I can tell you this is 100% true. I came back from eating disorder treatment to my job as an ICU nurse. I’m an upfront, honest person and if people asked me where I went I told them the truth. There were also people who asked me if I was pregnant or if I’d gone and had a baby… Those were fun questions to answer. I’d then get asked what kind of eating disorder I had and that was that. Before I left for treatment, I came to work happy, everyone was chatty and nice, but once I returned post-treatment my job became cold and very lonely. I didn’t mean to isolate, but how do you feel comfortable when people seem like they are looking at you unsure of what to say. I’m a human being to ya know? I’m just like anybody else. I just wanted to feel accepted. I’d just gone through the hardest thing thus far in my life.

Hadnt I already suffered enough? It really wasn’t like I broke an arm or any physical ailment really, I’d just lost a whole picture I’d had of my life, body, identity… Crushed… All because my brain was messed up and my eating disorder was controlling me… No big deal or anything. I cant hide from my PTSD, depression, anxiety, or my eating disorder. Thats why I chose to embrace it and in turn was the outcast… Again.

Maybe I should have just stayed quiet? Said I took a hiatus, sabbatical, something. To be stigmatized for something like this hurts. Then to try and be open about it just to help gain awareness is so unbelievable that people are so rude and closed-minded.

I cant help that I need multiple medicines right now to balance my anxiety and depression. Do you think I choose this? Trust me I dont. I try alternative methods such as meditation and CBD, but you try being in my head for one day. Its a daily battle.

I cant sit here and judge anyone around me, because I know how hard life can be. We ALL have our struggles. I just wish mental illnesses were more closely monitored and taken seriously. Mental illnesses can be just as if not worse that some physical problems.


“Clean eating” with ED recovery

I read a Huffington Post article about this and I felt this seriously relates to me and my journey. So I decided I would write to you all about it!

“You deserve to be truly free from food rules, obsession, and body-hate.”  Here’s the deal though with eating disorders how can we feel this way?

There is supposed to be a time when eating disorder recovery is easier. When you actually feel like you’re becoming free from your illness. A time when you are not fixated on food and or your body. A time when recovery is more in the back of your mind.

I don’t know at what point this will happen, but I hope for the day!

Here’s where it creeps in and why I have been making sure to avoid as much as I can related to diets, clean eating, the latest eating fads. This doesn’t just relate to me though, many women, men, children, and other eating disorder sufferers deal with these temptations daily.

This is very hard to do......when that reason is the reason im a live ......its sad his his family and widow truly know what i feel and whats up with me more then all of you put togethers

If I read an article about “clean eating” and “whole foods,” I begin to obsess. Ok, Ok this is more what I used to do, but there is a fear that if I start reading things targeted to these topics over and over then the urge will creep back in and I will go back to that mindset, because then I…

…slowly start reading more articles online, seeing what I could be allergic to, and what is “best” for my body. I spend time finding recipes that are “healthy.” There’s a sense of joy that comes with a shopping cart full of “healthy” foods. Foods that I say I’ll eat. It really overtakes me and becomes my identity.

Why is there a problem with “clean eating” in eating disorder recovery?

Here is a facebook post that makes sense:

“Saying that you’ve recovered from an eating disorder and now you eat “clean” and stay away from processed foods-is like saying you are sober from alcoholism-yet maintain a “healthy” relationship to alcohol by sticking to wine and beer. While “clean eating” may be socially sanctioned-it’s incredibly dangerous for those in eating disorder recovery (and largely unhelpful to the population in general.)”

I hate looking at nutrition tables and seeing that they lied. Can of diet coke 1.5 or 2 calories. Stop being dicks.


So clean eating is dangerous for the general population and can lead to disordered eating, but is more dangerous to people with eating disorders.

Eating disorders really are like an abusive partner. There is co-dependency, self-destruction and isolation.


Eating disorders thrive on the rules, rigidity, and a sense of “good” vs. “bad” foods. See why it’s bad to try and “eat clean?” There is also the idea of “unclean foods…” these are the foods people like me feel like we need to avoid. This is so triggering, especially when you have a long-standing genetic pre-disposition for an eating disorder.

So people with eating disorders need to look at food as food. Nothing as clean or unclean. So see the problem? Why it is so dangerous? Eating disorders are secretive. It’s bad when they sneak back up and hit you on the backside.

 Mostly, I just want to stay on my path in recovery and help others along the way. This is a hot topic in the world today.





Diet vs. intuitive eating  weight loss motivation tracker


If you’re struggling with an eating disorder, call the National Eating Disorder Association hotline at 1-800-931-2237.


The movie, “TO THE BONE” is coming out next month on Netflix. It is about a young woman struggling with anorexia who meets an unconventional doctor to help her face her condition and embrace life.

This is important for people to understand because many people with bulimia don't show physical signs and feel very alone because they can't tell anyone. -MD

I have mixed feelings about this movie coming out… It is supposed to be a dark comedy. There is nothing comedic about eating disorders.

If anything they are super dark, causing so much despair and desperation.

When I first watched the trailer I did think that this was “romanticizing” eating disorders. Giving the viewer ideas on how to either become further immersed in their eating disorders, or how to propel into one.

Image result for Lily Collins to the Bone

My total horror about this movie is that Lily Collins became emaciated for this role. SHE IS AN EATING DISORDER SURVIVOR! She looks so gaunt. There is no way this was good for her. I can’t even imagine. That’s literally choosing to go backwards!

Ok, here is how I think this could be an OK thing. I say OK with major hesitation. We really need there to be more awareness about eating disorders. If this is the start and brings more people to realize how awful eating disorders are, then so be it.

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It will always be hard to discuss this topic. This topic is so sensitive. I’m not sure there would ever be a good way to portray it. These people have the resources and opportunity to share a story. I still am hesitant.. very… but maybe this is a good thing?

I see people watching this more than documentaries on survivors stories… we will see what happens…



The Body Exhibit

My husband and I went to celebrate our birthdays last week in Vegas! On our trip we went to the “Bodies Exhibit” at the Luxor Hotel.

Vegas… oh Vegas is a place where people come, drink, gamble, but ALSO WEAR WHATEVER THEY FEEL LIKE, seriously a free for all. It was not surprising to see ladies booties or boobies hanging out all over the place. I felt very self-conscious, especially because recently I’ve been working so hard on body-acceptance.

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So we decided to go to the “Bodies Exhibit.” My nurse-side was geeking-out. This exhibit was so cool from start to finish. This exhibit really helped me re-group and remember how awesome our bodies are! How amazing is it that our bodies can work as one with every intricate piece playing a part.

My favorite part of this exhibit was the “MRI Body.” The body had been sliced into pieces showing how an image looks when it is taken in an MRI. Just seeing how amazing our technological advancements are is awesome.

Image result for body exhibit mri   Image result for body mri  Image result for body mri

I am so glad we went to this exhibit, because it re-focused me onto what is important in life. Having a well-functioning body, no matter the size, but one that is functioning at full-capacity for me.

If this exhibit comes near you, I urge you to go!!!

Bodies Exhibit



Mental Health Awareness May 2.0

This year’s theme is RISKY BUSINESS. I get the idea of risky behaviors that people start not realizing they can lead them down a path towards crisis. For example internet addiction, compulsive buying, compulsive sex and exercise extremes.

There is something that keeps coming up in my mind… SUICIDE.


The statistics on bullying and suicide are alarming:

  • Suicide is the third leading cause of death among young people, resulting in about 4,400 deaths per year, according to the CDC.

  • For every suicide among young people, there are at least 100 suicide attempts.


Lately suicide keeps being brought up in my life, so I feel like I need to do a blog post on it. Recently, there’s been a few patients in the ICU who have attempted suicide, I’ve been told about how multiple girls committed suicide at a local high school this year, Amy the founder of Project Semicolon took her own life… The list goes on…

Beautiful fake smile All it takes is a beautiful fake smile to hide an injured soul and they will never notice how broken you really are. — Robin Williams:

RISKY BUSINESS DOESN’T EVEN CUT IT! I like this theme for Mental Health Awareness May, but when it comes to suicide these lovely souls are past risky business. They are done, have given up, if only someone could save them. I wish I could, but I do the best I can. Suicide is life-ending, family-destroying, the end of the end.

My heart ❤ is breaking 💔

Mental Health Awareness May

May is Mental Health Awareness Month!

This obviously is close to my heart, so I decided to dedicate this post to all my friends, family, and others effected by this!

I don’t remember what life is like without anxiety and depression. Seriously, ever since like third grade I have suffered from this. It started as just a fierce stomach pain, but it was unexplainable. After I figured out what it was and started therapy, anti-anxiety, anti-depression medications I found some relief. Some weeks, days, months, are better than others. I can finally think I’m over it and then bam… it hits me again. I have had to learn multiple techniques to manage these symptoms over the years.

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When I entered treatment last year, I was at an all-time low. So depressed, anxious, even having panic attacks. I’m blessed I had a good treatment team, because it took me a long time to get re-balanced. I am so lucky I am alive. I still struggle with this daily… I try so hard. Some days I have to just put on a fake face and fake it ’til I make it. One day at a time, one step at a time, one moment at a time.

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The Fruit Cup Story

Back many months ago when I first started treatment I was afraid of fruit cups…

Yes, you heard me right… Afraid of them… I don’t think it was just the fruit cup, but what it represented. Giving up my control, freedom, what i’d believed for a long time was the “best foods” for my body… SUCH A CHALLENGE!

Peace is accepting today, releasing yesterday, and giving up the need to control tomorrow.:

My first afternoon that I started at Living Hope Eating Disorder Treatment Center... Or was it Living Hell EDTC… I brought my dinner. The dietician came in and said I needed to add more food to it (duh, I have an eating disorder). I don’t even remember what I had brought food wise, but I remember her bringing me a fruit cup.

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I was terrified. I started thinking of all the processed sugar, fake crap that this so called “fruit” was drenched in. Is this really even fruit???

I told her I couldn’t eat it. I was adamant. She however, just as stubborn as I am talked me into it. She said I could drain the juice and just eat the fruit. So, I ate it… Hesitantly.

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Since then I have eaten many fruit cups and learned to enjoy the juice that accompanies the fruit. I don’t worry anymore about the “processed sugar,” I focus on nourishing my body! 

I’ve come a long way since day 1 of treatment and I am now grateful for my treatment center that has helped me!


Living Hope EDTC

Eating Disorder Blogs

Beauty Beyond Bones Blog



NEDA Walk is this weekend in Oklahoma City, OK! My journey is such a big part of me and this walk just brings more awareness to the eating disorder community! WE NEED ALL THE HELP WE CAN GET! Help me spread the love and help others fight the fight!

If you feel like walking in this walk on saturday morning, PM me and I can help you out!

Below is the link to my personal page!!! Please feel free to take a look and if able please donate what you can to help save the lives of people like me, my loved ones, and my friends! …