Insatiable

Hey yall!

I have been trying to find a new show to watch on Netflix. Honestly, hadn’t even watched the trailer but thought let’s give the show “Insatiable” a try…

I lasted twenty minute… I was watching a show that’s premise is a girl who loses tons of weight and then wants to get revenge on the people who were mean to her in the past… Wow… I mean really? Do you want to trigger people struggling in this day and age? Lets just put a pretty girl on screen, get her to lose weight and be “thin” and let her glamourize our struggles.

She’s referred to as “fatty patty” and wears a fat suit. Thanks Netflix for us people that aren’t a size 2, good job trying to make us feel worse about ourselves. What about the fact the way she lost weight was she was punched in the face and her jaw had to be wired shut… Come on!!!!!!

The writer has defended the show saying the show is about her eating disorder. She said that comedy is a means of dealing with our vulnerabilities. Well this isn’t funny to me.

This show really triggered me personally and I’ve been doing well in recovery. Please be wary and caution yourself watching this show.

Advertisements

Recent suicides

We’ve had so many public figures pass away tragically recently, but as neighbors and human beings why are we so selfish?

I’m here to tell you my perspective with my history. I’ve struggled with anxiety and depression since at least 3rd grade. Did I have many people to talk or listen to? NO. Thankfully I had wonderful therapists through middle school and high school, because my depression got really bad at times! I still didn’t have much support in terms of a listening ear. During this time mental illnesses were so taboo and so stigmatized. My parents did their best to help. College hit and I just felt like my anxiety and depression rose and rose and rose through classes and then nursing school… To a heightened state. Anxiety attacks, social anxiety, insomnia, leading to the peak of my eating disorder. ALL THROUGH THIS DID I HAVE A LISTENING EAR? Not really no. Therapists, parents doing their best, friends who didn’t really understand. Friends asking why I couldn’t fix it or getting it under control? All I could say is I was doing the best I could and cry. That’s what I had.

My strength came from inside myself and God. I wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for the holy Lord and my determination to succeed.

I want to say I’ve never had thoughts of self-harm or suicide, but that’s a lie… High school I thought of ways to hurt myself. This escalated and in college, nursing school, and since then I’ve had suicide thoughts sometimes. When I have those I know I’m in a bad place. I reconnect with my higher power, myself, and my now support system and I pull myself out.

It just breaks my heart that others haven’t been as lucky as me, or have had such inner turmoil that it has come to them ending their lives. Once someone decides to end their lives its very hard to stop them. I’d love to say its their choice, but mental illness really isn’t a choice. I just really hope that my story can help and if anyone needs to talk or an ear to listen they reach out to me. I UNDERSTAND!

I also understand why people act so strong, especially these public figures. The fear of being seen differently. I have never wanted to be seen as weak. I’m not weak… I am strong, very strong. I’ve overcome so much! So did they! They continue to overcome so much!!!! Xoxo.

WHY we NEED the Olympics

One word: HOPE

 

 

In a chaotic society these days, it is nice to see every 2 years athletes from all over the world come and compete. Watching these athletes gives HOPE to the next generation of athletes, but also helps the world realize we can come together when necessary.

I’m not saying it’s a distraction from the destruction still going on in the world, because at this point that’s not possible. However, as I sense the competitiveness I also notice the comradery among the athletes vying for the same titles.

I usually enjoy the summer Olympics more, but recently have been enjoying the snowboarding and figure skating portions of this Olympics. I start yelling at the TV when I’m on the edge of my seat hoping for a win.

I think right now we needed the Olympics still. This may change, but for now this is my consensus.

 

LOVE, Mariah

For your viewing pleasure:

Tessa Virtue and Scott Moir from Canada figure skating to Moulin Rouge- https://youtu.be/Y5p1uzs4jt0

Red Gerard earning the first gold medal for the US this Olympics- 17 years old!- https://youtu.be/m0nJr_cpYWU

 

Suffering In Silence

Silence

Suffering in silence

What does this mean? This is how I’ve felt lately with my mental health issues…

These last few months my life hasn’t been easy… I wasn’t expecting to have another hard time so close since leaving eating disorder treatment last March.

I haven’t wanted to talk about this hard time because I’ve felt ashamed and embarrassed.

I really was doing ok until September 19, 2017 when I was in a rear-end wreck. Me, being the one that got rear-ended. This has effected my job, because as an ICU nurse I lift and turn patients, along with being on my feet for long periods of time. I really just haven’t completely healed…

Why has this upset me so much?  Because my eating disorder recovery has been going well and I felt like this setback really sucks and makes me feel like a failure.

Since going on FMLA at the beginning of December, I really haven’t opened up about this. Of course my family knows, but not many people at all. My anxiety and depression really kicked in ending up with me at a real low. Real real low.

Again, I feel like I’m having to really fight and fight to get my life where I want it.

Surely, you and I don’t have to run on empty!  Not with a God like this.  We can run on His power and by His grace.  We can run through the happiness, through the failure, and through the ten million dirty diapers ahead.

After multiple days of dissociating watching TV I started doing small things…

I had said why me? Why does this keep happening? But instead of focusing on this, I’ve kept moving forward.

I’ve been incorporating better coping skills and I’m not completely back to myself but still trying hard on my road to recovery.  My eating disorder has given me some hard thoughts lately, but overall my ED is doing well!

Coping skills & understanding what is within your control.

Here’s some things right now that are helping me:

-EMDR to get over past traumas.

– Joe Dispenza meditation and the power of changing my thinking!

-doggy love with my 2 puppy dogs.

-reading for pleasure. I hadn’t rememberes the last time I read for pleasure!

-nutritional food! Working on food to nourish my body!

-small exercise to start getting stronger and helping me heal.

I just have been so embarrassed to talk about this. It didn’t make anything better when my doctor hasn’t been very nice either. He was telling me how I shouldn’t be in this much pain and it’s probably anxiety and depression related. I understand how it could be, but I think I’d know if it is! Luckily, I went to a new physical therapist and she agreed why I’m in pain. My whole body is still out of whack!!!

Is there still a stigma having mental health disorders? I think so! I don’t want to suffer in silence anymore though!

Love, Mariah

Dear Kesha

 

I wish Kesha knew how much her song “Praying” is helping me. I can relate to it so much and just love her strength.

Reviewing Kesha's Praying. I am praying for a better future for us all

She has overcome so much in life, I feel like I have to.

#metoo

It is like a horrible dream at times that seems to last forever!! She gets it!

Why have I felt abandoned and stranded? What is the lesson? I do need signs from God. Being alive at times does hurt to much. There is so much hurt in this world.

I have fallen to my knees, praying! Just praying that things will ease up and get easier.

These last few months have been hell. Her song really has just given me strength. I never believed a song could impact me so much, but hers does!

With love, Mariah

 

My Life With Anxiety

How do I begin?

The first time I noticed my anxiety was when I was around 8 years old. I kept getting sick and had horrible stomach aches. I missed school a lot and wanted to be around my parents.

My anxiety since then has manifested in many ways.

I was sent to therapy and put on anxiety medications at the age of 12. I haven’t been away from therapy or off medications since then. This makes me feel crazy.

Yes I literally need this elementary school list to help with my math anxiety lol

School was always hard for me. My test anxiety was petrifying but I didn’t know what was going on at the time and just felt dumb. I’d have to re-take tests, go in after school, and study tons more than the average student. There wasn’t much research at the time about learning disabilities, but I sure had one. This still scares me because I may eventually want to get a master’s degree. If I choose to I’ll need to find better learning techniques for myself.

depressed depression suicidal suicide eating disorder OCD anxiety self harm cutting stay strong anorexia abuse bulimia ednos ana ed mia positive bullying PTSD recovery bipolar disorder pro recovery 2014 surviving borderline disorder #ChronicDepression

During elementary, middle, and high school I was bullied. Going to school terrified me. Girls and boys both bullied me. This group of boys harassed me so much in high school, I had to change my phone number. What was worse was they knew where I lived. I didn’t feel safe in my own home. I didn’t even feel protected.

I have really bad anxiety going to doctors. Most are nice, but I feel misjudged sometimes because of my mental health issues. After I was in a car wreck and injured my back in September, the doctor told me that my anxiety can make my pain worse. In my head I’m thinking, “ok maybe it will, but I’m used to pushing myself and persevering so quit judging me lady.” I may have taken it personally, but since then I am scared to go back to that doctor.

The power of mental health medication and how it saves so many Americans from suicide,

My sleep has really suffered in the past years. My insomnia at times is debilitating. I can’t shut my brain off and my head feels like it’s spinning. Sometimes  I can finally sleep when my body is extremely exhausted.

Anxiety has effected my life in so many ways, I can’t even write about all of it. For a long-time I just wished my brain would work “normally.” I’m realizing I may have to work harder in life, but anxiety is just a part of who I am. I’m not a victim, I AM IN CONTROL. I’ve been working hard and trying to decrease my stress level. I have lived at such a high level of anxiety for too long. This journey won’t be perfect but I want to live a less anxiety filled life. Here are some things I’m trying to do to help:

  1. meditating
  2. praying
  3. journal
  4. bullet journal
  5. baths
  6. EMDR and therapy
  7. getting outside in the sunshine
  8. going places outside of the house
  9. making short and long-term goals
  10. goal: to incorporate yoga

 

 

Me Too Movement 

So many emotions run through my mind when I think of why I have kept quiet. 

The biggest being fear. 

Fear of not being heard. Not being believed. Not being loved. Not feeling like I deserved love. 

If you or someone you know makes up the #MeToo hug them. Tell them they are loved. Tell them they are heard. We can’t change the world until people start FULLY acknowledging how bad the rape culture is and owning up to it, but we can change the world of our loved ones. 

Small, simple gestures. 

This can happen to anyone you know. 

The Wreck of My Life?

Tuesday evening I was in a car wreck. I am ok… I am very blessed actually and here’s why…

I was driving and needed to stop because I was going to get cut off by a car going too fast. I got rear-ended by a car going at least 35 MPH. Me… at a dead stop… him at at least 35-40 MPH. I am so lucky that my injuries are not as major as they could have been.

His car went mostly under my CUV. It was an older car and nose-dived right at the end when he attempted to brake. I am so lucky. If it had actually hit the back straight on… my injuries would be extremely different.

This is only the beginning of my luck/blessings/grace given by the Lord above.

My insurance has put us through some loops, but overall has bent over backwards to help us. My husband has gone out of his way to make sure I’m taken care of. He’s answered all my calls at work, took me to the ER after the wreck, at home makes sure I have everything I need and am comfortable, and deals with insurance over and over again. My daddy took me to an accident and auto care treatment center yesterday. They said it would only take 45 mins… ya 2 hours later. My mom brought me an Icee from 7-11 which made me soo happy. And all the texts and love from others. I couldn’t feel more loved.

All I can do now is start recovering. PT 5x this week. Recovering with ice, heat, etc. Take the time I need so I don’t injure myself further. 

I didn’t expect this of course, but such is life. I feel like the good Lord was looking after me and I am so grateful this wasn’t worse.

What would you do if you weren’t afraid?

What would you do if you weren’t afraid?

I saw this picture (above) on facebook and I thought maybe this would get me out of the funk I’m in this week.

I say a funk because I feel like I’m re-playing things in my head. Even with journaling, using other coping mechanisms, I think it’s along with being sick and events that have happened this week that I’m feeling this way.

Anyways, back to the quote. What would I do if I wasn’t afraid?

  1. On my cruise in October I’d wear my Morticia Addams costume and not feel self-conscious about my stomach.
  2. I’d believe in myself and that I really am worth it… everyday… some days I do believe it.
  3. I would not worry about small things and focus on the bigger picture.
  4. I would not feel like I need to interfere and “save” people at times.
  5. I would not care about food, the size of my body, or what people think.
  6. I would not be ashamed of my past or present.
  7. I’d go out in public more.
  8. I wouldn’t feel ashamed for taking the time I need for myself during recovery.
  9. I would go on an awesome vacation and do everything I’ve ever wanted, just because I can.
  10. I really just wouldn’t care what people think of me.
  11. I’d have peace. Peace in my mind, my body, my soul.

Need to remember this every single day!

 

What are you afraid of?

Mariah

From a Different Perspective

What is it like growing up around eating disorders?

Before really figuring out that I had ED and coming to terms with it, my relationship with eating disorders were very, very different.

I was a family member who watched from the sideline as ED destroyed many of my loved ones lives.  I remember wondering and trying to think of anything I could do to help them. I felt so much shame, guilt, anger, you name the feeling I had it… most of all was helplessness.

I struggled with thinking I had partly caused their eating disorders until about 6 months ago, and still some days have to remind myself that this is a disease… an illness… multiple things contribute…  and not something I did.

For years, I said I would be the one who wouldn’t get an eating disorder. I’d beat the odds in my family. So when I found out and came to terms with having ED, I was devastated. Now though, I am beating the odds, I am on the road to recovery and do my best to maintain it… of course I still struggle daily though.

My family life for me though is still a struggle. How do I balance my recovery and worrying about my loved ones but not letting it overtake me? When you love people so much, how do you keep yourself from intervening? I logically know there is nothing I can do, but I wish there was.

I wish I could take their pain away. Help them realize how unique they are, how beautiful they are, how talented and smart they are. How can I though?

Instead, I can support, but mostly from afar. Through it all I can give them love. That is what I can give them. Sometimes this doesn’t feel like enough for me, but it’s what I have. I can pray and hope that in the future things will be different for them, but realize it is out of my control. Constantly work on accepting that it’s out of my control even though I wish I could fix it.

This is so true. Anybody with kids or planning to have kids should do this<3 even if it's a younger sibling, cousin, or whatever :)   Quote on eating disorders: Losing weight is not your life's work, and counting calories is not the call of your soul you surely are destined for something much greater. www.HealthyPlace.com

 

Mariah