How do I begin?
The first time I noticed my anxiety was when I was around 8 years old. I kept getting sick and had horrible stomach aches. I missed school a lot and wanted to be around my parents.
My anxiety since then has manifested in many ways.
I was sent to therapy and put on anxiety medications at the age of 12. I haven’t been away from therapy or off medications since then. This makes me feel crazy.
School was always hard for me. My test anxiety was petrifying but I didn’t know what was going on at the time and just felt dumb. I’d have to re-take tests, go in after school, and study tons more than the average student. There wasn’t much research at the time about learning disabilities, but I sure had one. This still scares me because I may eventually want to get a master’s degree. If I choose to I’ll need to find better learning techniques for myself.
During elementary, middle, and high school I was bullied. Going to school terrified me. Girls and boys both bullied me. This group of boys harassed me so much in high school, I had to change my phone number. What was worse was they knew where I lived. I didn’t feel safe in my own home. I didn’t even feel protected.
I have really bad anxiety going to doctors. Most are nice, but I feel misjudged sometimes because of my mental health issues. After I was in a car wreck and injured my back in September, the doctor told me that my anxiety can make my pain worse. In my head I’m thinking, “ok maybe it will, but I’m used to pushing myself and persevering so quit judging me lady.” I may have taken it personally, but since then I am scared to go back to that doctor.
My sleep has really suffered in the past years. My insomnia at times is debilitating. I can’t shut my brain off and my head feels like it’s spinning. Sometimes I can finally sleep when my body is extremely exhausted.
Anxiety has effected my life in so many ways, I can’t even write about all of it. For a long-time I just wished my brain would work “normally.” I’m realizing I may have to work harder in life, but anxiety is just a part of who I am. I’m not a victim, I AM IN CONTROL. I’ve been working hard and trying to decrease my stress level. I have lived at such a high level of anxiety for too long. This journey won’t be perfect but I want to live a less anxiety filled life. Here are some things I’m trying to do to help:
- bullet journal
- EMDR and therapy
- getting outside in the sunshine
- going places outside of the house
- making short and long-term goals
- goal: to incorporate yoga