What is it like growing up around eating disorders?
Before really figuring out that I had ED and coming to terms with it, my relationship with eating disorders were very, very different.
I was a family member who watched from the sideline as ED destroyed many of my loved ones lives. I remember wondering and trying to think of anything I could do to help them. I felt so much shame, guilt, anger, you name the feeling I had it… most of all was helplessness.
I struggled with thinking I had partly caused their eating disorders until about 6 months ago, and still some days have to remind myself that this is a disease… an illness… multiple things contribute… and not something I did.
For years, I said I would be the one who wouldn’t get an eating disorder. I’d beat the odds in my family. So when I found out and came to terms with having ED, I was devastated. Now though, I am beating the odds, I am on the road to recovery and do my best to maintain it… of course I still struggle daily though.
My family life for me though is still a struggle. How do I balance my recovery and worrying about my loved ones but not letting it overtake me? When you love people so much, how do you keep yourself from intervening? I logically know there is nothing I can do, but I wish there was.
I wish I could take their pain away. Help them realize how unique they are, how beautiful they are, how talented and smart they are. How can I though?
Instead, I can support, but mostly from afar. Through it all I can give them love. That is what I can give them. Sometimes this doesn’t feel like enough for me, but it’s what I have. I can pray and hope that in the future things will be different for them, but realize it is out of my control. Constantly work on accepting that it’s out of my control even though I wish I could fix it.