Body Positivity, eating disorder, Life

“Why Me?”

 

Lately my mind has been wasting energy and wanting me to dwell on why me? Why I’m one whose suffered so much since I was about 12 years old.

It’s literally been such a rollercoaster since then that I can’t even explain! So why me? Why have I been chosen to endure all these ups and downs?

I then turned my focus from why me to what else could happen? What else could happen in life? Nothing. I realize my life is no different than others and I am no worse or better than anyone! We all have ups and downs in life constantly it’s just how we handle them and come back from them.

This was how I’d lived my life for a really long time, I always worked on being non-judgmental of others, because I never know what was going on in their lives, but I guess I needed a reminder of this.

So instead of why have I suffered so much, why not think about why I am so blessed and lucky.

I’m very lucky that my life has completely changed and we caught my eating disorder at a younger age. Change is hard but dying slowly is worse. Lucky that I have a wonderful family to support me. Lucky I have two dog babies who bring me so much joy…

And recently soo lucky that I have found LipSense which has helped me realize I am beautiful and I have more confidence than I remember.

I have many things going for me, so I will try and focus on those things.

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Opportunity 

Eating disorder recovery is tough, but so am I. Grateful for life and the opportunity I’ve been given with the company SeneGence and LipSense! 

Its opened up a world of opportunities! My confidence rises slowly everyday!!! 

I didn’t think something could help me at this point. I am working from the inside out, but I am grateful for this opportunity I’ve been given. I thought I was ugly but this has made me realize there’s a lot of different things that contribute to beauty. 

Not just appearance. Actions. Words. Love. Hope. Attitude. Positivity. I am slowly starting to feel like my old self. Somedays better than others.

If I’d been scared and turned down this offer to sell LipSense (totally was skeptical)  I’d be even worse off than I am right now. 

It doesn’t mean I’m not struggling… Because I am, but my recovery trajectory is going up and up. 

Body Positivity, eating disorder, Life

What would you change? 

I watched this video and it really hit me. This culture, generation really is so absorbed in perfection. What about the things that makes us unique? 

I want a mermaid tail! Just like the little girl in the video! I want to be a kid again! Why are kids having to grow up so fast? 

What has made us seriously get to this point? 

eating disorder, Life

Starting a day

Lately I haven’t wanted to get out of bed. I know logically I need to to take care of my doggies, eat, take care of myself. This is what is propelling me to do so.

If it were just me I’m scared tho I’d give into the dark, warm, confines of my bed.

Somedays are harder than others… Duh… I know this. Working to give myself grace has been hard. I really like the feeling of wanting to stay in bed all day… It’s cozy and familiar.

Back in college I moved home. My schooling was so tough with nursing and then on top of it I was suffering from health issues. My way to cope was to go and hide in my room. I’d get my dog and we’d go lay in bed. I’d either watch netflix, study in bed, or nap.

In the last few years since school I’ve really worked on just keeping my bed for sleeping. Working on using the living room… For the living.

I thought about why I’d be going back to this… Maybe its more depressio… That always could be it’s a rollercoaster ride… Or maybe it’s just trying to seek things that feel comfortable and hold onto them in a chaotic world.

All I know is I’ll still get up… Maybe just a hour or two later than normal… Still take care of my doggies… Still take care of me… Ive2 learned I have to.

eating disorder, Life

M I A- The Invisibly Visible

First off, I want to apologize to my readers for being MIA for a while.

My ED crept up and hit me like a freight train. I was in denial and telling myself I am 100% OK. My doctor wanted me to try treatment 3 days a week half-days, but after a week trying that, I could not take it and it was stressing me out more. I am doing my own thing outpatient along with my doctor and dietician. I am determined and doing the best I can.

How can I keep fighting this and being strong?

I have been very stressed lately because of work, ED, life in general. Since treatment I’ve had such a hard time re-adjusting to real life. I knew this would be a process but WTF! It’s so hard for me just to do “normal things.” I have no energy. Many can’t tell (except my husband) because my disorder is invisibly visible… It’s only visible when it starts chiseling my life away. I’ve been losing my hair, my heart has been racing, walking once up stairs exhausts me. It’s just such an awful process. I am realizing though that this is a path of recovery and sometimes will be rocky.

My husband and I are considering buying a beautiful house that we are in love with. I know that I am determined to eat my meal plan, follow my treatment, and reach out for help. If I don’t I’ll only slip backwards even more into the abyss of ED. I am worried about money (just like every first-time homebuyer). All I can do is keep working my program and trying even with the little energy I have.

Sometimes I just wish people REALLY understood!!! The STRUGGLE IS REAL!!!!