eating disorder, Life

PostTreatment.1

Im adding the .1 to the title, because I have a feeling this post treatment may become a small series of mine. 

When I left partial hospitalization and stepped down to intensive outpatient and now thankfully outpatient, I felt like I had done the main work for my ed treatment and that everything would get easier… I am quickly learning I was wrong. I became outpatient and kept saying “everything is fine” even though I could tell there’s still much struggle. I was scared to tell anyone because I didn’t want to end up back where I was. I finally was honest about it with my treatment team and I’m now realizing I have to embrace this to move forward.

Treatment taught me the basics. How to eat on a schedule, re-nourishing my body/brain, general dealing with people, and managing road blocks along the way… Since then however, I am having to re-learn how to live my life and what that even means. To many that sounds crazy… But it’s true. Learning to manage my full-time job, my meal plan, my level of energy and stress, household chores, bills… When before I handled these along with the comfort of ed… Saying it has been a challenge is an understatement. I am lucky my husband is wonderful and understands, but that doesn’t mean I don’t feel guilty. I want to be 100% but i’m realizing my 100% may be different than everyone elses.

I’m also learning that everyday is going to be a choice. My ed has been such an ingrained part of my life, that I will have to choose to fight daily. This is disappointing to me, because I wanted a quick fix or at least where it won’t always be such a challenge. This is not the case for me… Learning how to handle life with ed is a challenge. Realizing it’ll be a choice the rest of my life daily to fight seems so daunting right now, but it’s what I have to do. 

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