Is It Really “Bikini” Season?

Is your body socially acceptable for bikini season? Do you feel you’ve been giving your diets and exercise programs the best you can? Are you ready to fit into these tiny pieces of clothing called a “bikini?” Do you feel like your body is looking “perfect?” What is “perfect” anyways???

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Have you been “nitpicking” yourself in the mirror? Grabbing at your skin? Weighing on the scales excessively? Blaming your body, diets, and nutrition? Have you been crying and waiting for fall to come back so you can go into hibernation?

Is this worth it?


I am focusing on Choosing Life and Choosing Recovery!!!

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I choose to

  • Enjoy the sand between my toes
  • Enjoy the vitamin D and sunshine
  • I will enjoy swimming in the water
  • Enjoy family time
  • Savor the fresh air
  • I will enjoy nature
  • I will work on art, drawing, be creative
  • I will just be

I will thank my body for what it has been through, what it is going to go through, and how much it does for me. Instead of focusing on fitting into restrictive clothing, I will choose to just live and be happy.



To Detonate- The Inner Explosion

To Detonate- det·o·nate  [ˈdetnˌāt]


  1. explode or cause to explode:

    “two other bombs failed to detonate” ·

    “a trigger that can detonate nuclear weapons”

    synonyms:explode · go off · blow up · shatter · erupt · ignite · bang · blast · boom · set off · explode · discharge · let off · touch off · trigger · ignite · kindle

How many bombs go off daily we dont know about? 

How sheltered are we from the real war going on?

Yes, the wars across the seas, but also the wars even in America.

When is enough enough?

Which war do we even target?

Poverty, drugs, education crisis, them keeping secrets from us? 

When does this all explode and come to a halt? 

When is it finally enough? 
In rememberance of all those who have fought and lost their lives for America, I ask us Americans to think about this. I also in remembrance of them, think about all they sacrificed for our country. It wasn’t just them that sacrificed, but also their wives, husbands, children, everyone surrounding them. We need to honor them! May you rest in peace!!! 


Sunflower Seeds+7-11 Icees+Sonic Ice Cream Slushes= Grieving?

In the last few years my immediate family unit has completely changed. Yes, I got married, but I’m not just talking about that…

I moved out of my parents house about three years ago after I graduated college. Around the same time of me moving out, my parents decided after many years together to go their separate ways. It was and wasn’t a surprise, but this decision still shook me up. By now though, I thought I had already finished my grieving… I mean it’s been a while since they separated.

Recently, the divorce was finally finalized. Since then, my subconscious has been coming forward and consciously showing signs that I need to keep grieving this loss. I don’t want to sit and go through anymore of this. I just want to not feel these emotions! (wishful thinking)

So remember how I said that my subconscious is starting to consciously show me I need to grieve? Sounds freaking insane and at first I didn’t even believe it! 

Since the divorce being finalized, I have started craving some of my favorite snacks from my childhood… Innocent enough right? So here’s the connections.

Sunflower seeds- the ones you crack and spit. My dad loves them and would eat these during road trips while we listened to Johnny Cash. I started to really enjoy sunflower seeds in high school/college. They’re just so yummy!

Image result for Frito-Lay Sunflower Seeds

7-11 Icees- also known as Slurpees. I remember as a kid getting one of these once or twice a week after school. I especially loved these during the summer months! The irony is for the last few weeks 7-11 has had an $.89 sale on super-sized icees. Coincidence?

This Saturday 7-11 will be doing a BYOC (bring your own cup) day for $1.49 and you can fill ANY sized cup you want with the Slurpee of your choice!

Sonic Ice Cream Slushes– Here’s the craziest story. A few days ago I went to Sonic, this is when it hit me I may have some more processing to do with my parent’s divorce…  I went to Sonic and was looking at the slushes on the menu. I asked what are the best flavors for the ice cream slushes. The sonic employee mentioned the blue coconut, strawberry, or orange. I decided on a strawberry ice cream slush. When I received it and took a sip I realized what it was…

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After swim team practice one day in high school, my dad picked me up and we both ordered this same drink from Sonic. When we got the drinks, we went to a park and walked around, talked, had a good time.

To the reader these stories may not seem significant, but to me and everything that has gone on with my immediate family these last few years, this was like a hit in the face. It’s a sad situation, but I had thought I had already grieved. These incidences made me feel like I’ve been woken up and told, “OK Mariah, this is really happening, it is over now, now but time for you to sit and finish grieving.”

Are these just coincidences’? Is the universe trying to tell me something? All I know is that this has been a huge adjustment these last few years. My life has gone from what I thought it would be to something completely unexpected. One day at a time.

Peace and love,




via Daily Prompt: Survive


How do we survive in this world?

One step at a time, one moment at a time, one breath at a time. We think. We focus. We survive.

We survive.

Through the hard times, we keep going. We rely on loved ones. Find focus. Find motivation. Find inspiration.


*How My Dog Helped Me During My Hard Times*

I have the best dog, his name is RED. My brother noticed him while looking one Saturday at a local pet shop. I was at nursing clinicals that day, but made my way immediately over to the store right after to see him. When I first saw Red, I thought he was so precious. He has human-looking eyes, the cutest Pomeranian tail, and a personality for days! When I chose to adopt him, I found out about his backstory. My poor baby had been abused, when he was rescued by a wonderful women, he was so emaciated and covered in ticks. She nursed him back to health and then put him up for adoption. Knowing myself and my history, I knew I could give him a good home. I took him home and my poor baby had such bad anxiety. We immediately bonded, because we both have horrible anxiety. Throughout these last 4 years, Red has been with me through nursing school, break-ups, meeting and marrying my husband, starting my nursing career, multiple moves, and during this last year, going through horrible eating disorder recovery and starting recovery… let’s just say…


We all go through hard-times, but I know first-hand that having my Red by my side has made it easier for me to live. I’m sure if you have a dog, you would say the same thing.  This last year I learned what it truly means to be “(wo)man’s best friend” or is it “dog’s best friend”?


  • THEY DON’T CARE WHAT THEY/YOU LOOK LIKE!- You can wear whatever you want and still feel wanted and loved, what is better than that? This last year has been so hard for me spiritually, emotionally, physically. For a long part of this last year, I haven’t cared about my appearance at all. On top of that, I felt so depressed and down that all I wanted to do was sleep and be lazy. When I’d come home and see Red waiting at the door, tail-wagging, tongue out, it made my mood slowly improve.


  • THEY ARE GENUINELY HAPPY All my Red needs is food, water, shelter, a place to crap and pee, and love. He is my rescue dog, but there is no way of knowing that at this point, because he is always running around and happy as can be. He smiles and shows his bottom teeth (my fave)!


  • THE GIFT OF UNCONDITIONAL LOVE- Have you suffered from insecurities? Feeling undeserving of love? I have also suffered with both a lot this last year. What has really helped me though, is knowing that my dog does unconditionally love me.


  • CONSTANT ENTERTAINMENT- My dog is so freaking funny. He lays on the back of the couch and OF COURSE places his butt right next to my face (farts to). This is just one of the many humorous things he does…


  • DOGS NATURALLY LOWER OUR STRESS LEVELS- After dealing with stressful doctors appointments, counseling sessions, etc, it is always nice to come home and just relax with my doggy. There is research that shows that petting dogs does release stress-reducing chemicals in humans… I believe it!


  • DOGS WILL CHEER YOU UP WHEN YOU’RE SAD- I can’t count on my hands how many times I’ve come home in the last year so upset and sad. Red immediately starts licking my face, running to sit on my lap, trying to get me to pet him. Does he know my every need?


  • WHEN YOUR DOG IS AROUND YOU ARE NEVER ALONE, YOU HAVE A SHADOW FOLLOWING YOU AROUND- How many times have you almost fallen over, or tripped on your dog? For me it is countless! Red in particular tries to herd my feet…. man, he really does follow me everywhere… I try to get privacy… usually I don’t succeed.


What Do You Target? 

This past week I went to Target. I love Target and decided to look at their activewear! 

Me deciding to even look at activewear is a pretty big deal. Since treatment, I’ve been so afraid of doing any type of exercise because i’m afraid i’ll overdo it. I don’t want to go backwards in my treatment. Also, it’s really hard for me to see myself in tight clothes… Period.

I decided now is the time to even start walking some, because I don’t want to huff and puff my way through life.

So I was looking at the activewear and loved it! I had a big pile of stuff to try on. I loved the colored leggings and matching tops! Entering the dressing room I was so excited.

As I started pulling on the clothes… I realized the xxl still wouldn’t fit me. There wasn’t a size up in the store. My belly just looked so unattractive in everything… I don’t know how to accept my belly… So I sat down on the bench with sweat on my face and cried. Cried because I’m not the size I want to be… Because I’ve given up so much to beat ED… Because all I wanted was to look cute and fit in if I’m going to workout.

I felt so humiliated. 

I’m trying to overcome and have ordered some activewear online from various places. Im proud how I’ve handled this, but how do I accept my belly… Even when I see it in the mirror… 

Mental Health Awareness May 2.0

This year’s theme is RISKY BUSINESS. I get the idea of risky behaviors that people start not realizing they can lead them down a path towards crisis. For example internet addiction, compulsive buying, compulsive sex and exercise extremes.

There is something that keeps coming up in my mind… SUICIDE.


The statistics on bullying and suicide are alarming:

  • Suicide is the third leading cause of death among young people, resulting in about 4,400 deaths per year, according to the CDC.

  • For every suicide among young people, there are at least 100 suicide attempts.


Lately suicide keeps being brought up in my life, so I feel like I need to do a blog post on it. Recently, there’s been a few patients in the ICU who have attempted suicide, I’ve been told about how multiple girls committed suicide at a local high school this year, Amy the founder of Project Semicolon took her own life… The list goes on…

Beautiful fake smile All it takes is a beautiful fake smile to hide an injured soul and they will never notice how broken you really are. — Robin Williams:

RISKY BUSINESS DOESN’T EVEN CUT IT! I like this theme for Mental Health Awareness May, but when it comes to suicide these lovely souls are past risky business. They are done, have given up, if only someone could save them. I wish I could, but I do the best I can. Suicide is life-ending, family-destroying, the end of the end.

My heart ❤ is breaking 💔

Mental Health Awareness May

May is Mental Health Awareness Month!

This obviously is close to my heart, so I decided to dedicate this post to all my friends, family, and others effected by this!

I don’t remember what life is like without anxiety and depression. Seriously, ever since like third grade I have suffered from this. It started as just a fierce stomach pain, but it was unexplainable. After I figured out what it was and started therapy, anti-anxiety, anti-depression medications I found some relief. Some weeks, days, months, are better than others. I can finally think I’m over it and then bam… it hits me again. I have had to learn multiple techniques to manage these symptoms over the years.

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When I entered treatment last year, I was at an all-time low. So depressed, anxious, even having panic attacks. I’m blessed I had a good treatment team, because it took me a long time to get re-balanced. I am so lucky I am alive. I still struggle with this daily… I try so hard. Some days I have to just put on a fake face and fake it ’til I make it. One day at a time, one step at a time, one moment at a time.

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