This picture popped up on my newsfeed on facebook today. Its from prom senior year of high school. I looked at it and thought wow… I really thought back in highschool when this photo was taken that I looked fat?
You see, for a whole month before this prom I had done an intense restrictive detox… Supplements, shakes, paleo diet, the works… At 17 years old and thinking im unworthy, ugly, fat, that I needed the tan to hide the fat on my arms and the blemishes. Granted i’ve always loved being tan, but when an event came around with photos I always wanted to be extra dark. My goal was to fit into this Betsy Johnson dress in the picture above. I remember thinking about what if it doesn’t fit? Obsessing over how horrible it would be if I can’t even fit into this dress… That it would mean i’m so fat I cant even fit into a pretty dress.
I just think how unhappy I was back then. I had no energy, was weak from the detox, but powered on for the hope of losing numbers on the scale. I taught zumba at the time, enjoyed it somewhat but obsessed over the scale. I’d weigh sometimes once a day at this point. It’s really sad for me to look at this picture and remember.
What about my inner soul? My inner soul was so damaged…
If I could go back I would have bought a really pretty floor length dress. Ive always been eccentric so im sure the dress would be too. Id not care if I look perfect, but that I went with fun friends and had a good time. I wouldnt have worried so much about having a guy on my arm at all times to please my insecurities inside myself.
What would you have done differently back then?