eating disorder, Life

PROM

This picture popped up on my newsfeed on facebook today. Its from prom senior year of high school. I looked at it and thought wow… I really thought back in highschool when this photo was taken that I looked fat? 

You see, for a whole month before this prom I had done an intense restrictive detox… Supplements, shakes, paleo diet, the works… At 17 years old and thinking im unworthy, ugly, fat, that I needed the tan to hide the fat on my arms and the blemishes. Granted i’ve always loved being tan, but when an event came around with photos I always wanted to be extra dark. My goal was to fit into this Betsy Johnson dress in the picture above. I remember thinking about what if it doesn’t fit? Obsessing over how horrible it would be if I can’t even fit into this dress… That it would mean i’m so fat I cant even fit into a pretty dress. 

I just think how unhappy I was back then. I had no energy, was weak from the detox, but powered on for the hope of losing numbers on the scale. I taught zumba at the time, enjoyed it somewhat but obsessed over the scale. I’d weigh sometimes once a day at this point. It’s really sad for me to look at this picture and remember. 

What about my inner soul? My inner soul was so damaged… 

If I could go back I would have bought a really pretty floor length dress. Ive always been eccentric so im sure the dress would be too. Id not care if I look perfect, but that I went with fun friends and had a good time. I wouldnt have worried so much about having a guy on my arm at all times to please my insecurities inside myself. 

What would you have done differently back then? 

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NEDA WALK!

NEDA Walk is this weekend in Oklahoma City, OK! My journey is such a big part of me and this walk just brings more awareness to the eating disorder community! WE NEED ALL THE HELP WE CAN GET! Help me spread the love and help others fight the fight!

If you feel like walking in this walk on saturday morning, PM me and I can help you out!

Below is the link to my personal page!!! Please feel free to take a look and if able please donate what you can to help save the lives of people like me, my loved ones, and my friends! …

THANKS! LOVE YOU ALL!

http://neda.convio.net/site/TR/Events/General?px=1594820&pg=personal&fr_id=4348&autologin=true

 

 

 

eating disorder

Healthcare . . .

For the last 5 years, I have been going to multiple doctors trying to figure out many medical problems I had. I went doctor to doctor to doctor having many of them just fixing symptoms and not the real underlying problem.  Doctors would add on so many medicines, supplements, diet changes, telling me I need to “lose weight…” It is no wonder this contributed to my ED.

I never had a doctor figure out I had ED. I found out myself… Family history, friends with ED, symptoms and changes I felt in my body, and my good ol’ gut feeling. Having my nursing degree is good and bad. Good because I really have a good sense usually what is going on with me, but bad because I know sometimes I can overthink and be paranoid. I tried telling a few closest people to me of my fears that I had ED, but I had mixed reviews… this confused me more, but I chose to try and talk with my PCP. My PCP didn’t know how she could help me even with me telling her I thought I had a problem… I went to a new therapist… no help. I finally contacted a ED doctor that had seen some people I knew. She finally helped me realize my issue I had struggled with since I was such a young girl, 12 years old… She sat me down and made me feel so comfortable. I will forever be grateful for her.

She is a bright light in a very dark world. ED still to be so unknown and not talked about in healthcare. Since my enlightenment in my journey through ED, I have dealt with many healthcare professionals that have said things that really hit me in the gut. Below are some stories of mine and others that I want to share. I want doctors, therapists, nurses, any healthcare practitioners in general to be more aware of the sensitivity and nature of ED and how it effects others… even when they are just speaking to others.

  • I went to get a massage one day from my main masseuse I go to… the masseuse felt comfortable enough to tell me tips on posture. I stood before her and she told me my stomach stood out too far and to “try these methods to get my belly sucked in more…” she told me that her’s sticks out because she has had 3 kids… – I don’t understand why she felt comfortable giving me this advice. This was early in my treatment and all I wanted to do was cry. Little did she know, my stomach had been for many years my least favorite area of my body… I had tried everything to get my belly down. I felt if my belly was sticking out further than my bra then I didn’t look “feminine enough,” skinny enough,” lovable,” etc. Body dysmorphia to the finest…
  • I know a person who only eats about every 2/3 days. She enjoys tacos, so that’s what she usually eats… when she does. She went to visit her doctor and told him about what’s been going on.  She overhead the doctor outside the room joking with others that when she does eat it must be a bunch of tacos… This doctor said this because the lady looked to be overweight. – I wish this doctor thought about restriction, the fact she was starving herself, look at her vitals and labs, even just realizing how awful these things are to hear.
  • My normal temperature runs 97.4-97.6 at all times. I rarely run a “real” fever. Fever for me is usually mid 98s to 99s with all the symptoms of a fever. I’ve learned I am still just as contagious during these temps while others have higher temps. My favorite is when I go to the doctor with a sickness and them or the LPNs, RNs, CNAs don’t believe me when I tell them that the temperature is a fever for me. I get looks, questioned, I mean am I on stand for trial? I KNOW MY BODY!

My hope is that healthcare professionals in general start to be more educated on ED and the effects it has on the patients, families, friends. I will do my part, will you?

 

If you have stories to share! comment below!

Love,

Mariah

eating disorder

SICK… just SiCk

These last few days I have been sick with a sinus infection. To many this may suck, but not be that big of a deal… However, to me and most people with ED, this is a huge challenge.

When I am sick with anything my appetite goes away!  I also I tend to have nausea, ED thoughts raging in my head, and as I recover from my sickness, I also have to recover and get back on the ED recovery bandwagon. When my energy is low, it is so easy to let ED win, but I can’t do that!

When I am sick, I know it is best to keep fighting. Even if I have to make myself eat bite by bite… I may not be perfect at all the meals, but at least I am trying! I know others out there can understand my issue and relate. It is such a challenge at times!!!

My goal is to not take too many steps backwards, but to keep trekking forward!

XOXO

 

Losing weight from the Flu being bad-  http://www.self.com/story/flu-weight-loss

 

 

eating disorder

Lets Get… Physical

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Today, as I am sitting at home with cold-like symptoms with the best doggy ever, I felt like this is a good post to share today.

Growing up I was a dancer, cheerleader, swimmer, just a happy active kid. I kept spraining my ankles over and over and over. Over the years I have chronic ankle pain and now wrist pain probably from cheerleading.

For the last 5 years, my pain had become more generalized. I suffered from achy muscles, soreness, swelling, joint pain, and so much fatigue. My freshman year of college I started going to multiple doctors to figure out many health issues, including this. The doctors did not help much, but just kept trying to help me lose weight, add vitamins and supplements (most that were not necessary and caused toxicity), some even just to decrease my level of inflammation, and ended up just masking the symptoms. Massages, ice, heat, everything I tried only temporarily helped.

As my ED got worse, so did the pain. I could sleep for 14+ hours a night and take naps multiple times a day. My level of energy was so depleted. I mean how could I keep my energy up if I was mostly just eating tuna kits, salads, shakes, detoxes, etc. I was feeling like I was dying.

When I started treatment the pain continued horribly. As my body started shifting and re-feeding happened to me, I honestly thought I couldn’t handle it anymore. After a while I honestly thought I had an autoimmune disorder or fibromyalgia. I got tested for autoimmune which was negative. My ED doctor started to explain how ED could cause the pain and how it will start to subside over time.

Fast forward to now..

Now my body is going through a huge transformation that will last for many more months… Could be up to a couple years. My pain is better, but it is still there at times, and can still get bad. My really hard days at work make the pain worse, but I am starting to learn how to control it. Meditating, medication if needed, relaxing, taking time to myself when I need to, and learning to not let others effect how I feel.

I thought that going through treatment would fix this… a quick fix… obviously it did not…

Does anyone else relate to this?

Life

Easter 

Easter is a day near and dear to my heart! I always miss my Granna, I was baptized on Easter in 5th grade, and this year my husband and my anniversary falls on Easter. 
However, my wedding day on 4/16 last year was when I really noticed how sick I was and that I probably had an ed. So this weekend is so joyous and yes so sad. 
How does Easter effect you? Any good memories? 
❤❤❤😘