This picture popped up on my newsfeed on facebook today. Its from prom senior year of high school. I looked at it and thought wow… I really thought back in highschool when this photo was taken that I looked fat? 

You see, for a whole month before this prom I had done an intense restrictive detox… Supplements, shakes, paleo diet, the works… At 17 years old and thinking im unworthy, ugly, fat, that I needed the tan to hide the fat on my arms and the blemishes. Granted i’ve always loved being tan, but when an event came around with photos I always wanted to be extra dark. My goal was to fit into this Betsy Johnson dress in the picture above. I remember thinking about what if it doesn’t fit? Obsessing over how horrible it would be if I can’t even fit into this dress… That it would mean i’m so fat I cant even fit into a pretty dress. 

I just think how unhappy I was back then. I had no energy, was weak from the detox, but powered on for the hope of losing numbers on the scale. I taught zumba at the time, enjoyed it somewhat but obsessed over the scale. I’d weigh sometimes once a day at this point. It’s really sad for me to look at this picture and remember. 

What about my inner soul? My inner soul was so damaged… 

If I could go back I would have bought a really pretty floor length dress. Ive always been eccentric so im sure the dress would be too. Id not care if I look perfect, but that I went with fun friends and had a good time. I wouldnt have worried so much about having a guy on my arm at all times to please my insecurities inside myself. 

What would you have done differently back then? 



NEDA Walk is this weekend in Oklahoma City, OK! My journey is such a big part of me and this walk just brings more awareness to the eating disorder community! WE NEED ALL THE HELP WE CAN GET! Help me spread the love and help others fight the fight!

If you feel like walking in this walk on saturday morning, PM me and I can help you out!

Below is the link to my personal page!!! Please feel free to take a look and if able please donate what you can to help save the lives of people like me, my loved ones, and my friends! …





Healthcare . . .

For the last 5 years, I have been going to multiple doctors trying to figure out many medical problems I had. I went doctor to doctor to doctor having many of them just fixing symptoms and not the real underlying problem.  Doctors would add on so many medicines, supplements, diet changes, telling me I need to “lose weight…” It is no wonder this contributed to my ED.

I never had a doctor figure out I had ED. I found out myself… Family history, friends with ED, symptoms and changes I felt in my body, and my good ol’ gut feeling. Having my nursing degree is good and bad. Good because I really have a good sense usually what is going on with me, but bad because I know sometimes I can overthink and be paranoid. I tried telling a few closest people to me of my fears that I had ED, but I had mixed reviews… this confused me more, but I chose to try and talk with my PCP. My PCP didn’t know how she could help me even with me telling her I thought I had a problem… I went to a new therapist… no help. I finally contacted a ED doctor that had seen some people I knew. She finally helped me realize my issue I had struggled with since I was such a young girl, 12 years old… She sat me down and made me feel so comfortable. I will forever be grateful for her.

She is a bright light in a very dark world. ED still to be so unknown and not talked about in healthcare. Since my enlightenment in my journey through ED, I have dealt with many healthcare professionals that have said things that really hit me in the gut. Below are some stories of mine and others that I want to share. I want doctors, therapists, nurses, any healthcare practitioners in general to be more aware of the sensitivity and nature of ED and how it effects others… even when they are just speaking to others.

  • I went to get a massage one day from my main masseuse I go to… the masseuse felt comfortable enough to tell me tips on posture. I stood before her and she told me my stomach stood out too far and to “try these methods to get my belly sucked in more…” she told me that her’s sticks out because she has had 3 kids… – I don’t understand why she felt comfortable giving me this advice. This was early in my treatment and all I wanted to do was cry. Little did she know, my stomach had been for many years my least favorite area of my body… I had tried everything to get my belly down. I felt if my belly was sticking out further than my bra then I didn’t look “feminine enough,” skinny enough,” lovable,” etc. Body dysmorphia to the finest…
  • I know a person who only eats about every 2/3 days. She enjoys tacos, so that’s what she usually eats… when she does. She went to visit her doctor and told him about what’s been going on.  She overhead the doctor outside the room joking with others that when she does eat it must be a bunch of tacos… This doctor said this because the lady looked to be overweight. – I wish this doctor thought about restriction, the fact she was starving herself, look at her vitals and labs, even just realizing how awful these things are to hear.
  • My normal temperature runs 97.4-97.6 at all times. I rarely run a “real” fever. Fever for me is usually mid 98s to 99s with all the symptoms of a fever. I’ve learned I am still just as contagious during these temps while others have higher temps. My favorite is when I go to the doctor with a sickness and them or the LPNs, RNs, CNAs don’t believe me when I tell them that the temperature is a fever for me. I get looks, questioned, I mean am I on stand for trial? I KNOW MY BODY!

My hope is that healthcare professionals in general start to be more educated on ED and the effects it has on the patients, families, friends. I will do my part, will you?


If you have stories to share! comment below!



SICK… just SiCk

These last few days I have been sick with a sinus infection. To many this may suck, but not be that big of a deal… However, to me and most people with ED, this is a huge challenge.

When I am sick with anything my appetite goes away!  I also I tend to have nausea, ED thoughts raging in my head, and as I recover from my sickness, I also have to recover and get back on the ED recovery bandwagon. When my energy is low, it is so easy to let ED win, but I can’t do that!

When I am sick, I know it is best to keep fighting. Even if I have to make myself eat bite by bite… I may not be perfect at all the meals, but at least I am trying! I know others out there can understand my issue and relate. It is such a challenge at times!!!

My goal is to not take too many steps backwards, but to keep trekking forward!



Losing weight from the Flu being bad-



Lets Get… Physical

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Today, as I am sitting at home with cold-like symptoms with the best doggy ever, I felt like this is a good post to share today.

Growing up I was a dancer, cheerleader, swimmer, just a happy active kid. I kept spraining my ankles over and over and over. Over the years I have chronic ankle pain and now wrist pain probably from cheerleading.

For the last 5 years, my pain had become more generalized. I suffered from achy muscles, soreness, swelling, joint pain, and so much fatigue. My freshman year of college I started going to multiple doctors to figure out many health issues, including this. The doctors did not help much, but just kept trying to help me lose weight, add vitamins and supplements (most that were not necessary and caused toxicity), some even just to decrease my level of inflammation, and ended up just masking the symptoms. Massages, ice, heat, everything I tried only temporarily helped.

As my ED got worse, so did the pain. I could sleep for 14+ hours a night and take naps multiple times a day. My level of energy was so depleted. I mean how could I keep my energy up if I was mostly just eating tuna kits, salads, shakes, detoxes, etc. I was feeling like I was dying.

When I started treatment the pain continued horribly. As my body started shifting and re-feeding happened to me, I honestly thought I couldn’t handle it anymore. After a while I honestly thought I had an autoimmune disorder or fibromyalgia. I got tested for autoimmune which was negative. My ED doctor started to explain how ED could cause the pain and how it will start to subside over time.

Fast forward to now..

Now my body is going through a huge transformation that will last for many more months… Could be up to a couple years. My pain is better, but it is still there at times, and can still get bad. My really hard days at work make the pain worse, but I am starting to learn how to control it. Meditating, medication if needed, relaxing, taking time to myself when I need to, and learning to not let others effect how I feel.

I thought that going through treatment would fix this… a quick fix… obviously it did not…

Does anyone else relate to this?


Easter is a day near and dear to my heart! I always miss my Granna, I was baptized on Easter in 5th grade, and this year my husband and my anniversary falls on Easter. 
However, my wedding day on 4/16 last year was when I really noticed how sick I was and that I probably had an ed. So this weekend is so joyous and yes so sad. 
How does Easter effect you? Any good memories? 

What NOT to SAY

This post is dedicated to one of my dearest friends, everyone with ED, and the families and friends of people with ED.

Eating disorders are NOT just about food…. Loved ones tend to just want to help, but don’t know how… this is like walking on egg shells around the person with ED. If you know anyone who is having ED issues, please read this list and take it seriously…

  • ANYTHING weight related
  • How someone looks
  • Scales=NOOOO
  • Diets
  • Supplements
  • Latest diet trends/fat
  • “Healthy” foods vs non-healthy foods
  • Exercise
  • Wow you have lost/gain weight you look great…
  • You’re treatment team chose a really great weight for you
  • I think you need a bigger size
  • Do you want to go shopping for different clothes?
  • Let’s clean your closet out


  • Just eat something
  • Just snap out of it
  • I ate so much I’m going to skip breakfast, lunch dinner, etc
  • Why don’t we eat something healthy together?
  • Why do you have to eat that? Why are you on that diet/meal plan/etc?
  • Doesn’t that have too much sugar/fat/carbs/etc in it?
  • What did you eat today? Can I make you something?
  • You look great now, but you didn’t look bad then
  • You look great, what diet are you on?
  • I shouldn’t eat this dessert/It’ll make me have a food baby/make me feel bloated/make me fat
  • Wow you really can eat
  • You don’t look like you have an ED
  • How can you have this problem?


  • You’re throwing your life away
  • Don’t you realize how smart you are?
  • Why can’t you just go to school and be normal?
  • Why can’t you focus?
  • What is wrong with you?
  • Don’t you realize how sick you are?
  • Don’t you realize you are killing yourself?

Everyone is different and can handle different levels of conversation during treatment and getting help. When I started, Chris researched this topic and essentially most online resources just say to listen, listen, listen to the person and why they are struggling. ED can bring up so much tension, but realize the person you love is in there. Focus on other aspects of the person. Are they creative? Caring? Nurturing? Help them find other outlets and learn to be themselves again without ED.

Follow Me

“…Follow me
Everything is all right,

I’ll be the one to tuck you in at night,

And if you want to leave I can guarantee

You won’t find nobody else like me…”

I listened to this song in the car today, and it really hit me in the gut. This week I have struggled with a lot of grief. In the last year I have lost a lot because of ED. I’ve lost my “ideal” body, control of everything, friends, what I thought my life would be. I have gained a lot and learned so much about myself, but the negativity is weighing me down right now. No matter what I have lost in the last year, the hardest thing I’ve lost is ED.

Dear ED,

You have comforted me for so long. I’ve turned to you since I was 12 for so many things like acceptance, reassurance, love. I needed you during those dark and lonely times. You helped me control what was the chaos of my life. High school I can’t even imagine what it would have been like without you. Through the bullying, trauma, girl drama, you were my protector. You helped me through so many ups and downs in relationships.  College, I wouldn’t have made it through nursing school without you. Don’t mind the brain fog, or the fact I passed out.  You helped me maintain control with the restricting, binging, diets, supplements, you helped me control the chaos. You gave me an excuse to get out of many events and opportunities. Why would I go out to eat, socialize, hang out with friends and family, when I could just stay home and be alone with you…

ED you have also been the most destructive relationship for me. Co-dependency doesn’t even cut it. You have been so abusive. Tearing me down, making me feel fat and like there is absolutely no hope, not knowing where to turn, starving me, ridiculing me, my life, and my body for so long. ED you have made me feel so much guilt and shame for so long. If I keep you in my life, I will die. It’s time for me to move on…

“…I’m giving up on everything
Because you messed me up

Don’t know how much you
You screwed it up

You never listened

That’s just too bad

Because I’m moving on
I won’t forget

You were the one that was wrong

I know I need to step up and be strong

Don’t patronize me
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

Have you forgotten
Everything that I wanted

Do you forget it now

You never got It

Do you get it now”

Read more: Avril Lavigne – Forgotten Lyrics | MetroLyrics

Read more: Uncle Kracker – Follow Me Lyrics | MetroLyrics

Coping… What??? 

When i started treatment, all I wanted to do was sit alone in a corner and do nothing. As things progressed, I slowly came around to trying some coping skills. Here’s a list i’ve come up with. Soon I also will post DIY coping skill ideas 🙂

1. Coloring

2. Drawing

3. If you feel artistic, do whatever makes you happy and let it shine

4. Journaling

5. Reading

6. Music

7. Sitting in nature

8. Taking a short walk in nature

9. Meditating

10. Yoga

11. Dance

12. Watch your favorite movie

13. Netflix

14. Watch a new movie

15. Go to a group

16. Therapy

17. Guided imagery

18. Go to a new event in the community

19. Volunteer

20. Socialize with friends

21. Hold a pet

22. Spa day

23. Take a shower or bath