The Robins Egg

Last night my husband and I went on a dinner date. I was so excited because he had just gotten home from a trip to Denver for work.  After going back and forth on what restaurants to eat at, we chose Red Robin.  I knew when I got there that I wanted something lighter to eat.  I had had pizza for lunch and didn’t want a tummy ache.  When we get there and sit down, for the first time IN A LONG TIME I started having social anxiety… I felt like the walls were caving in on me, that the loud voices were swarming me, and that everyone was looking at me.

When my food came I did not want to eat AT ALL. I kept rationalizing and telling myself I didn’t need to eat because I had pizza for lunch… I knew logically I needed to eat tho… I really felt like all eyes were on me and my paranoia kicked in. I tried to calm and take some deep breaths, but it was hard… I finally ate some french fries and started to slowly eat my meal… However I wasn’t really enjoying it… I kept eyeing everyone around me making sure no one was watching me (PARANOIA).

Then as I’m eating my sandwich I notice a hair in my sandwich. I was already so close to a breaking point… I wanted to cry so badly… the waitress came up and asked if we needed anything and if it was prepped right. I just couldn’t tell her at that moment, I was too upset.  A couple minutes later another waiter came up and asked if we needed anything and I told him about the hair, but I immediately felt guilty for them having to re-make my sandwich, no matter how nice he acted.  During the waiting period I kept having paranoid thoughts… that the staff didn’t believe that there was a hair in my sandwich, that they were in the kitchen talking bad about me, etc.  They did make me a new one and did not make us pay for my part of the meal.  I felt really happy that they had such great service, but my social anxiety and paranoia got the best of me.  This was a challenge I haven’t had in a while.  I’d been doing so well, but just like everyone else, I struggle as well.



Out of ALL mental health issues…


YES you heard me right…


but once diagnosed with one type of eating disorder, you tend to have symptoms and signs of other types of ED.




This one is for you, my friends and loved ones. Please feel free to share and comment below, or on the facebook group with questions, comments, etc. 

I find it extremely prevalent to write this one today.  With all the new diets coming out, exercise programs, and people struggling out there. My hope is that this can reach at least one person and help. I wish I had caught my struggle when I was at this point…


What is Disordered Eating?

“Disordered eating is a disturbed and unhealthy eating pattern that can include restrictive dieting, compulsive eating or skipping meals. Disordered eating can start as early as childhood.  Disordered eating can include behaviors which reflect many but not all symptoms of eating disorders such as Anorexia Nervosa, Bulimia Nervosa, Binge Eating Disorder, Other Specified Feeding and Eating Disorders (OSFED) or Avoidant/Restrictive Food Intake Disorder (ARFID).”

“Disordered eating behaviors, and in particular dieting are the most common indicators of the development of an eating disorder. Disordered eating can have a destructive impact upon a person’s life and has been linked to a reduced ability to cope with stressful situations. There is also increased incidence of suicidal thoughts and behaviors in adolescents with disordered eating.”


  • Fasting or chronic restrained eating

  • Skipping meals

  • Binge eating

  • Self-induced vomiting

  • Restrictive dieting

  • Unbalanced eating (e.g. restricting major food groups such as “fatty foods” or carbs)

  • Laxative, enema, diuretic misuse

  • Steroid and creatine use-supplements designed to enhance athletic performance and enhance physical performance

  • Using diet pills

Why are diets and disordered eating dangerous?

Dieting is a commonality among many people these days, but it is especially people prevalent to ED. 

Severely restricting the amount of food you eat IS SO DANGEROUS!!!  When the body is starved of food it responds by reducing the rate at which it burns energy (the metabolic rate), this can result in overeating and binge eating behaviors!!!  This in turn can lead to weight gain and obesity, because the body is going into “storing mode.”

Feelings of guilt, being a failure, and shame are common in people who engage in disordered eating. These feelings can arise as a result of binge eating, ‘breaking’ a diet, or weight gain.

A person with disordered eating behaviors may start to isolate themselves for fear of socializing in situations where people will be seeing them in certain clothes, eating in public, and general social anxiety. This can contribute to low self esteem and significant emotional impairment.

Research shows that 1/3 to 2/3 of people that diet regularly end up gaining back all of the weight and gain some within the next five years. Diets and “fad diets ” do not take people’s individual nutritional requirements into consideration. This leads to significant mood changes, hunger, lacking in energy, and developing poor health.


The risks associated with disordered eating are severe. People with disordered eating may experience:

  • A clinical eating disorder (Anorexia Nervosa, Bulimia Nervosa, Binge Eating or Other Specified Feeding and Eating Disorders (OSFED))

  • Weight gain

  • Osteoporosis – a condition that leads to bones becoming fragile and easily fractured

  • Fatigue and poor sleep quality

  • Constipation and/or diarrhoea

  • Headaches

  • Muscle cramps

Is it possible to change disordered eating and dieting behavior?

Yes. It is possible to change eating behavior, even if you have been engaging in disordered eating and dieting for many years. With the right support and treatment and a high level of personal commitment your body can learn to function to its full capacity again.  Generally your general doctor will be a good ‘first base.’  Finding someone specializing in health, nutrition, and Eating Disorders is EXTREMELY IMPORTANT.

If someone you know is thinking they are having a problem, feel free to reach out to me.  Below are other links to look at, and the one I referenced for this blog post.

Thank you,



via Daily Prompt: Acceptance

Acceptance is my word for today.  Today my struggle is real.  I am coming clean on this one and being very vulnerable. 

My life has had many ups and downs, but despite it all… I STILL TRIED TO REMAIN HAPPY.  My struggle with accepting myself started very young.  Just little comments made to me in elementary school and middle school started it all, but the struggle really started in high school.  I was already being bullied, but then I decided to try out for Pom sophomore year.  The girls were so mean.  I already was isolating personally and struggling a lot, but add on the viciousness and my life felt horrible.  I struggled a lot that year.  The summer after I buckled and needed a change.  I went to a private school and didn’t fit in there… I tried, but there were already cliques that had formed. I went back to Memorial senior year and was suffering from major depression.  Through college and until I went into treatment all of this continued and got worse along with my ED continuing to rage.

I have had such a hard time accepting myself. Depression, anxiety, horrible body image, ED, wanting to be perfect, and comparing myself to others had made my life even harder.  Since about mid-way through treatment I have slowly become empowered.  I do this slowly by trying to find clothes I love, not worrying about the scales, doing small things everyday to make myself feel better, surrounding myself by people I love.  This will continue to be a challenge everyday, but I continue on…

Perfectionistically perfect 

Perfectionism is something I have a hard time dealing with daily! 

At work things have to be a certain way, organized, OCD. I have accepted that will stay the same way for patient safety.  However…

When I was very sick in my disorder I really struggled. I wanted to be a certain weight to feel better about myself. Not making that certain number made me more aggravated and keep trying more diets, supplements, exercise programs, and seeking doctors help to try and lose weight to look “perfect.” I never had really accepted myself on the inside. I didnt know this at the time tho and was obsessed with numbers. Reaching certain numeric values… So numbers and numbers kept swirling in my head and all I wanted was to be perfect and loved for me… 

Where do you go if you actually meet that weight goal number? Its never good enough. The next goal will be a smaller and smaller and smaller number until the you people know is completely gone. 

For me I never met the goal weights but instead gained and gained and gained and became more desperate and frustrated until I reached my breaking point. 

Thinking back to childhood, I think for me this perfectionism started with school. Wanting to be 100% on all schoolwork and make my parents proud. Then add on the weight gain and not feeling accepted and just desperately wanting to fit in and feel loved. I was and am loved I just didnt feel like it because I was so disconnected. 

How do you love yourself and become imperfectly perfect? Ive been working on accepting myself for who I am. Loving others and myself. What other ideas do you guys have? 


via Daily Prompt: Conquer

Going through major change is hard. Through all of the winding paths, the ins and outs.  Never knowing what will be around the corner. Following down the path are choices. Do you choose to give in to temptations that can end up hurting you? Do you give into the choices that ultimately will help you.  Somedays you may feel weak and alone and isolated.  Somedays strong and able to conquer the world.  The days of feeling weak and alone start to diminish.  The days of feeling strong, able to conquer, and proud to be alive start to increase. Slowly but surely you start to conquer.  Start to conquer those in and outs of life, the bends in the road. You learn to adapt and learn lessons. You learn to be a conquer-ista.


This is a hard thing to talk about, but in this day and age is it ok for people to ask one another if they are pregnant unless they know 100% they already are?

Recently I went back to work and my normal life activities when I stepped down in treatment.  Just because I am able to step down in treatment, does not mean my struggles stop there with ED.  If anything they ramped up because I was not around constant eyes and support…  I was so nervous to get back in my old routine.  I knew I had the best support system, but it didn’t matter the pressure was on.  My body was/still is and will continue to be changing and morphing for a lot longer.  This is from my body getting used to me feeding it, bloating, cramping, stomach issues in general, fluid shifting etc.

When I went back to work and life I expected an adjustment, but not to this extent… I was asked by many different people in stores, at work, and other places if I was pregnant… PEOPLE  EVEN TOUCHED MY BELLY!!!  I hardly knew what to say?  I wanted to yell “GET AWAY IM NOT PREGNANT I HAVE AN EFFING EATING DISORDER!!!”  I obviously didn’t do that… This was such a challenge I would just cry and try and overcome.  I knew why some people asked, probably because of bloating, but because I had been gone for so long… It just really still hurt my feelings… ya know?

Huffington Post Story-





Welcome friends!

Many months ago as my body started changing all I wanted to wear was sweat pants and sweatshirts because I was/still struggle with being comfortable in my own skin.  Some days I was just so down I’d want to go hide and crawl up in a blanket and sleep for hours to escape.  During this time I had the following discussion…

As I talked about previously, being plus-size can be hard to find clothes in general, ESPECIALLY ones that make you feel beautiful. During this discussion on body image, one of the main people in group talked about accessorizing. The point she tried to convey was that no matter your size, if you cannot find clothes your size… JUST ACCESSORIZE.  A friend and I looked at each other and completely disagreed… we argued with her for a few minutes… We so badly wanted her to understand that if we cannot find, cute, stylish clothing, then how can we feel beautiful, secure, happy in anything way?  She then asked us if we were a different size would we wear different clothes? Both of us without hesitating said YES!!! DUH!!! Of course we would… She did not understand this at all…  Both my friend and I only somewhat accessorize, but get pleasure out of wearing certain style clothing that is non-existent or mostly non-existent in plus-size. We will not settle for JUST ACCESSORIZING, we want clothes that help us feel comfortable and pretty!

The reason I share this story is that no matter how uncomfortable you feel, it is always worth feeling beautiful.  It is worth waiting for clothes that make you feel like your inner self is shining.

If you can do that by accessorizing then more power to you!!!




Since beginning treatment many months ago my body has been going through many changes. At this current time, I am plus-size. This has been very hard for me to accept, but I am trying to not focus on numbers… Whether on the scale, sizes of clothes, etc. I want my focus to be on how stylish pieces are and how they make me feel…

A few days ago I went to Kohl’s to shop. I was so excited because I had $70 Kohl’s cash to spend. The front section of women’s clothing really caught my eye. Cute sundresses, shorts, flowy tops, so I began to look.  As I am browsing this section, I am increasingly getting more and more frustrated. I realize these clothes are only sizes XS-XL.  I start thinking why, why can’t they just be more inclusive and add X XX XXX XXXX… to make these clothes all-inclusive and all sized girls feel beautiful. So I mosey my way over to the plus-size section and I just want to cry.  This section is extremely small, they have absolutely no pairs of shorts, only one small rack with capris, and all the jeans they have are expandable waists.  So I decide to look at shirts and my luck is no better… This shopping trip that I had looked forward to turned out so disappointing.

Why can’t stores be all-inclusive? I know I am not the only one who struggles with feeling this way. Stores make clothes “standard” sizes and if you aren’t “standard” size then how can you find cute, affordable clothing? Also think about how many men, women, children, including myself have succumbed to the pressure of society. Wanting to be those “perfect sizes”. What is perfect?  And how much is it worth giving up in the process?  How can we change these standards, even just the thought process to help us and further generations feel more empowered?

All I want for stores is for them to add the XXXs. Don’t make people pay more for sizes other than the “standard” sizes. How much more humiliating can it get?  Our job is to work on empowering ourselves and each other.  No matter what the industry does, at least we know we can control that. 








Welcome friends!!! I just want to say thank you for looking at my blog. I hope and pray that this can be a safe place for many people. This blog is a work in progress, just like me! If anyone has any suggestions, photos to share, stories, etc please let me know! 

Peace and love,